Cowsmology
Someone pointed me to the website of a Japanese political science professor who posted a "joke lecture" on "world ideologies explained by cows." His name is Kato Tetsuro, and he is an ardent peace activist. On his website he requested additional submissions describing some specific ideologies in the same vein. His cow page, including these submissions, can be found at:
http://members.jcom.home.ne.jp/katori/Cowjoke.html
In
response to his request, and getting wildly carried away with the concept,
I sent him the following:
AMERICAN GLOBALISM: You have two cows. They produce great quantities of rich, sweet, healthy milk which you sell under contract to a dairy conglomerate. One day the dairy conglomerate tells you that unless you sell them the milk below production cost they will void your contract and buy dog milk from Guatemala.
JAPANESE ULTRANATIONALISM: You have two cows. You sell their milk all over the world. You refuse to allow foreign milk into the country because it is foreign milk.
MULTINATIONAL CORPORATISM: You have two cows. You clear-cut the Amazonian rain forest to create grazing land, have the cows milked in China by prison labor, powder the milk to sell to poor African nursing mothers who mix it with water from a drainage ditch, and give a share of your profits to Republican Congressmen.
MEXICAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Milking them is too much trouble so you flee to America and go on welfare.
RUSSIAN FEMINISM: You have two cows. Your husband refuses to milk them. One evening you serve your husband a glass of milk mixed with vodka. The next morning he is up at 4:00 a.m. milking the cows.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. They hold a presidential election. One cow votes for George W. Bush and one votes for Al Gore. Bush claims victory. Gore claims the other cow really meant to vote for him.
CANADIAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You are not allowed to sell any milk in Quebec because your cows moo in English.
RUSSIAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. The Russian Mafia takes your milk and deposits it in a bank in Zurich. You blame American capitalism.
FRENCH FREE MARKET CAPITALISM: You have two cows. The government subsidizes your barn, feed and milking machines. The McDonald's in Paris buys all your milk, earning you a substantial profit. You drive your tractor into town and throw rocks at the Golden Arches.
SWEDISH SOCIALISM: You have two cows. Your veterinary bills are paid by the government. A high price for your milk is guaranteed by the government. You have an annual gross income of $162,000 with eight months paid vacation. Your income tax bill is $431,000.
GERMAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You just can't wait for another chance to drive them across the Rhine and graze them in France.
COLOMBIAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. Once a month you hitch them to a wagon and drive your coca leaves to market.
ECOLOGISM - You have two cows. Their methane emissions cause global warming. Eco-terrorists raid your farm and release your cows into the wild. Their methane emissions continue to cause global warming.
FEMINISM - You have two cows. You buy a bull. Your enraged neighbors castrate the bull.
NORTH KOREAN COMMUNISM - You have two cows. They starve.
AFRICAN CAPITALISM - You have two cows. In search of better grazing, you cross the border. Customs officers reject your bribe offer as insultingly low, confiscate your cows, and execute you for smuggling. They sell the cows to finance a coup d'etat.
AMERICAN CORPORATISM - You have two cows. A large dairy conglomerate drives you out of business by selling their milk below market value. They buy your cows for a pittance, hook them up to milking machines, and suck them dry within six months.
JAPANESE CORPORATISM - You have two cows. You milk them 60 hours a week. You save the milk. A large dairy conglomerate borrows the milk and dumps it on the world market below production cost. You pay 6,000,000 yen per gallon for milk.
PLURALISM - You have two white cows. Your neighbors want to put their black and brown cows in the community barn with yours. You move to the suburbs and put your cows in a private barn. The government takes away your milk subsidy.
CHINESE MARKET SOCIALISM - You have two cows. You sell the milk on the black market.
COMMUNITARIANISM - You have two cows. You and your neighbors put all of your cows together in one barn. You spend the rest of your lives arguing about whose turn it is to milk them.
ISLAMIC FUNDAMENTALISM - You have two cows. Your neighbors catch you touching their teats while milking them. They stone the cows and cut off your hands.
ZIONISM - You have two cows. Your Palestinian neighbor has one cow. You kill his cow, drive him into the desert and build a barn on his land. If anyone criticizes you, you accuse him of anti-Semitism.
AMERICAN CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALISM: You have two cows. Eleven weeks before Thanksgiving, your local Chamber of Commerce slaughters one of them to pay for the wreaths, tinsel and blinking lights to decorate the other cow for the Christmas season. After shopping for gifts, you slaughter the remaining cow to pay off your MasterCard bill.
ENRONOMICS: You have two imaginary cows. You bribe 300 congressmen to enact legislation declaring imaginary cows real. You make $50 billion selling imaginary milk futures. When the milk futures go sour, you reward all the corporate executives with enormous bonuses and flee to Cayman Islands. Your employees, shareholders and creditors get trampled. By real cows.
REPUBLICAN CONSERVATISM - You have two cows. Your neighbors take them away and give them to a large dairy conglomerate. The conglomerate dumps its manure in your well. You get sick and take an aspirin. Your neighbors have you arrested on drug charges.
DEMOCRATIC LIBERALISM - You have two cows. Your neighbors take one of them and give it to a poor farmer. He kills it for the meat. Then they take your other cow, give it to the poor farmer, and spend your money training him to milk it. When they leave, he kills it for the meat and sells the meat to buy crack cocaine.