"There is nothing permanent except change."
                                          Heraclitus
          
              "Weep not that the world changes--did it keep
               a stable, changeless state, it would be cause
               indeed to weep."
                                          William Cullen Bryant
          
              "One's philosophy is not best expressed in 
               words. It is expressed in the choices one 
               makes . . . the process never ends until 
               we die. And the choices we make are 
               ultimately our responsibility."
                                          Eleanor Roosevelt
          
          
                                  4.
                     GRIEVING, CHANGE, AND CHOICE
          
              When sailing across an ocean, many changes and
          choices will require us to act. These can be resisted
          and cursed, but in most instances we will still need
          to deal with these dilemmas until we take the
          necessary actions. The best approach to such problems
          is to accept the inevitability of changes and choices
          on our voyage, and then try to deal with them better.
          This approach will enable us to most efficiently deal
          with the changes and choices as they occur, instead
          of wasting time and energy in coming to accept each
          new situation before we begin to deal with it. The
          same type of approach can also be applied to our day
          to day living; when we accept the inescapable aspects
          of life, we then can deal with them more efficiently.
              The term in the helping professions for dealing
          with losses in our lives is "the grieving process."
          This process is usually related to the loss of a
          person significant to us, but it is also associated
          with the loss of an object or the ability to do some
          activity. The greater the significance of what is
          lost, the more significant the grieving process will
          be. Ultimately, the process involves dealing with our
          own aging and eventual death.
              By understanding how this process works, we can
          improve the way we work through our own grief. This
          understanding can also help us develop a more
          efficient approach to dealing with two fundamental
          aspects of life: the constancy of change and the
          freedom to choose.
              Five stages in the grieving process are
          explained well in Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's On Death
          and Dying (1969), but I also add another stage which
          precedes those five. Thus, the six stages are: Alarm,
          Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and
          Acceptance.
              Alarm is usually the first reaction to a loss,
          and is characterized by a heightened anxiety due to
          the fear of an altered situation. Although this
          anxiety generally decreases in the following stages,
          it still weaves in and out during the process.
              In denial a person rejects the idea that a loss
          has occurred or is occurring. When a person completes
          this stage, the loss has been acknowledged and he or
          she can advance through the other stages towards
          acceptance. To complete the grieving process
          successfully, denial must be overcome. Some would say
          that overcoming denial is the most difficult and
          important step in growing, but it's also only the
          beginning of a long journey.
              Anger is the stage in which a person is feeling
          this emotion about the loss, whether it's expressed
          or not. Frequently it's expressed in inappropriate or
          harmful ways, or it may be repressed. But for a
          person to leave this stage and come to a healthy
          state of acceptance, the anger has to be acknowledged
          and dealt with so it can be left behind. Sometimes it
          remains hidden and unresolved, tucked deep inside
          where it seems to simmer until some stimulus causes
          it to surface, often in an unhealthy way; in other
          instances it may fester like an infection that
          eventually erodes one's quality of life.
              Bargaining occurs when a person tries to make
          some kind of trade-off so the loss can be avoided or
          restored. The bargaining might be attempted with
          another person, an organization, or a Supreme Being
          or higher power. It usually involves something the
          grieving person would do or give in exchange for
          preventing or reversing the loss.
              Depression is the period of sadness when a
          person is out of denial and to a large extent through
          with bargaining and anger:  he or she is getting
          closer to acceptance. This can range from short-lived
          gloom to an incapacitating long-term despair. Usually
          some sense of guilt is also involved; the person has
          thoughts and feelings related to what he or she might
          have been done differently. In normal proportions
          depression is a healthy part of the grieving process
          and shouldn't be avoided or repressed.  But if it
          becomes prolonged, more than six months to a year for
          significant losses, the person grieving may need
          outside therapeutic intervention.
              Acceptance is the final stage in the process and
          is achieved after the other stages have been
          successfully resolved. It is characterized by a
          surprising sense of well-being and tranquility,
          regardless of the loss; by reaching this deep
          acceptance, we enable ourselves to enjoy greater
          peace and happiness.
              The intensity of the first five stages can be
          quite varied, and sometimes one or more of them may
          be minimal. Even their order may vary, and one stage
          can recur later in the process. But regardless of
          their intensity or order, to the extent that they are
          present they need to be worked through before the
          genuine state of acceptance can be achieved.
              Efforts to speed the process or avoid any of the
          stages by suppressing or ignoring them only prolongs
          the process. Doing so also causes us to become less
          in touch with our feelings, and therefore alienated
          from an important part that can add to our wholeness.
          In addition, feelings that are not dealt with have a
          way of remaining stored up and then resurfacing in
          subtle ways.
          
          NOT RESISTING
              The key to easing our way through the grieving
          process is to not resist it. By acknowledging and
          being open to what we are going through, we enable
          ourselves to work through our grief and then move
          beyond it. But if we resist those feelings that are
          bound up inside us and need to be experienced, they
          are more likely to linger unresolved and hidden
          inside.
              We stay in denial partly to avoid anger and
          depression, yet this really only delays working
          through these stages. Once we get over denial, we are
          more able to make progress. Then if we are angry, we
          need to acknowledge this so we can deal with it and
          let it go. If we are depressed, we need to not mask
          it with phony cheerfulness or numbing stoicism.
              Sometimes people become stuck in stoicism or a
          false cheeriness because they're afraid to be
          depressed. But by allowing ourselves to be depressed
          for a reasonable period of time, we are allowing
          ourselves to work through the feeling. If we are
          trying to strike a good bargain, we need to give it a
          good effort, so later we won't be as likely to wonder
          if we should have tried harder. However, when we try
          to avoid grieving, our grief is more apt to affect us
          in obscure and perplexing ways.
          
          CHANGE
              Through all of life there are some immutable
          principles that do not change (such as the law of
          cause and effect), but everything else is constantly
          changing. Often we are not aware of these changes
          because they are too subtle for us to notice. 
          Sometimes we don't notice changes taking place simply
          because we haven't sufficiently developed our
          awareness.
              Usually the changes most obvious to us involve
          our personal and professional relationships, and our
          physical and mental abilities as we grow older. But
          from a larger perspective some of the more mundane
          things we ordinarily view as permanent take on
          another appearance. From this perspective even
          supposedly permanent things can be seen as being in a
          state of change, and thus not as stable and enduring
          as we once might have thought.
              We think of glass as being solid, yet we can see
          evidence of the change that takes place in glass by
          looking through the original windows in very old
          buildings. At one time this old glass had less
          distortion, but over time the gradual effect of
          gravity causes the glass to flow slightly downward,
          producing distortions that appear in horizontal
          alignment with gravity.  Rather than just being
          defects from of the manufacturing process, the
          distortions reflect the pull of gravity; the glass
          actually flows minutely downward and becomes slightly
          thicker at the bottom. As glass is always in a state
          of change, so is our planet.
              The earth's continents continue to shift
          minutely as they have been flowing for eons. The
          power of water when it freezes splits rock, and as
          water flows it slowly grinds mountains into sand. Our
          solar system's star, the Sun, is changing and will
          eventually go out. Everything is composed of
          molecules and their sub-atomic particles, and these
          are always in motion. Physicists call this motion
          "constant flux"; even rock is therefore in "constant
          flux."
              We may not always be able to see how change is
          taking place--nevertheless, it is still occurring. As
          our planet, and the universe as well, is always in a
          state of change, so is each of our lives. One of our
          challenges is to increase our awareness of the
          constant changes going on around us, just as we don't
          actually see the movement of a clock's hour hand, yet
          we know that it is moving.
              A major problem we all face occurs when a valued
          relationship changes and then how that relationship
          meets our expectations is altered. Such a change can
          involve a relationship with a mate, child, parent,
          boss or friend, or it can be a relationship involving
          our work setting or housing situation. The most
          intimate relationship that change affects is the one
          with our own bodies and minds as we grow older.
              Every change in a relationship involves the loss
          of something, whether it's familiar surroundings or
          doing some activity. However, not all change is
          perceived as a loss; some changes are welcomed. But
          when change is seen as reducing our overall pleasure
          or satisfaction, it is then regarded with some fear,
          and this fear causes the change to be perceived as a
          loss.  Even what could be a positive change can be
          seen as a loss. The change from a familiar, though
          self-defeating relationship or job to a more positive
          one can be perceived as a loss due to the overriding
          fear of the anticipated risk, discomfort, and anxiety
          of a new situation.
              When we were children, we clung to those things
          that made us feel good--and we didn't want them to
          change. As adults we have relationships that bring us
          pleasure or satisfaction, and we don't want these to
          change. Whether it's hidden or not, we all have at
          least a small degree of fear that perhaps our job,
          mate, body, or environment will change for the worse.
          This fear occurs because of the possible loss we
          associate with the change.
              However, the greater this fear is, the more it
          activates our "fight or flight" response. Then
          instead of trying to understand and deal with changes
          more effectively, we either try to fight them or try
          to avoid them. Inevitably though, all our
          relationships change whether we want them to or not,
          and we will still need to deal with those changes.
              To best come to terms with changes that are felt
          to be losses, we have to work through the stages in
          the grieving process that go along with the losses.
          Often people get stuck and are never able to move on
          to acceptance. But if our fears activate our "fight
          or flight" response and prevents us from reaching a
          true state of healthy acceptance, then moving on to
          further challenges is hampered. By moving beyond our
          fear, we gain the power to advance to greater things.
          In addition, accepting that change will occur gives
          us more power to alter our approach to those changes
          so we can better control their outcomes. To the
          extent that we haven't accepted change, we are less
          able to influence its effects.
          
          CHOICES
              Not only are changes constantly taking place
          around us, but in every situation we have choices
          about our responses. Just because we might not like
          these choices doesn't mean that they don't exist.
          Frequently though, many people are not even aware of
          this freedom to choose. They often say they have no
          choice because they don't like the alternatives.
          Phrases common to this view are "I have to, because I
          don't have any choice," and "They made me feel (or
          act) that way." If we make either of these
          statements, we are giving up our freedom to choose
          how we respond, while usually not even realizing that
          we have thus made an important choice. Actually, in
          making this choice we are choosing to continue with
          our present approach, instead of deciding to change
          our way of thinking. By doing so we also try to avoid
          the reality that we can change how we think and act,
          and we continue to deal with the situation in our
          old, familiar way because it seems easier and more
          convenient.
              In realizing that we can choose how we respond,
          that we always have choices in our thoughts and
          actions, we expand our ability to respond. Then we
          can choose new responses--though at times it may be
          difficult--or we can continue with our old responses
          with the knowledge that this is our favored choice,
          rather than something we actually have to do. This
          realization also gives us the important ability to
          change our feelings, because as we alter our thoughts
          and actions, we also influence the way we feel.
              In recent years much has been said about needing
          to push ourselves past our "comfort zones" in order
          to grow. This means we have to force ourselves beyond
          the familiar and relatively comfortable confines of
          our present lives if we are going to come closer to
          achieving our potential. Although this is true and
          sounds great, it's a tremendous challenge because it
          requires that we rise above our fear of change, and
          that we accept the responsibilities and difficulties
          in making choices. To understand that we choose our
          course, and can choose it more consciously, is a
          great source of personal power. The alternative is to
          become stuck in familiar mediocrity and discontent.
          
          UNAVOIDABLE GRIEF
              Understanding the grieving process can help us
          deal with the reality of changes and choices.
          Although we can't eliminate all the discomfort
          associated with this reality, we can reduce it.
              Beginning early in our lives we frequently try
          to deny the choices presented to us each day. As we
          gain maturity, we slowly come to accept many
          responsibilities by making choices in a multitude of
          situations. Similarly, at first we try to deny
          changes we perceive as losses, and gradually we may
          come to accept them one by one. Yet each time, before
          we can come to accept an individual change and
          choice, we need to overcome any denial of it. Then we
          may become angry, depressed, and try bargaining
          before we make each choice and deal with each
          change--but when these stages occur, we need to
          resolve them before we can come to fully accept each
          change and choice.
              However, we can not completely avoid the
          grieving process before coming to an acceptance of
          these changes and choices. If we try to hurry the
          process by repressing our feelings, we cut ourselves
          off from them without ever resolving them, which in
          turn can cause us problems later.
          
          LOSING ILLUSIONS: GRIEVING EFFICIENTLY
              But just as we can sail across an ocean and
          become more adept at dealing with the changes and
          choices inherent to the undertaking, we can also
          become more efficient in accepting those we face in
          daily life. When we understand the inevitability of
          changes and choices throughout our lives, we can work
          through the grieving process in coming to accept this
          all-encompassing reality. In achieving this overall
          acceptance we reduce the amount of grieving related
          to accepting each of our smaller, daily changes and
          choices. By doing so we free ourselves from some of
          the denial, anger, and depression we once experienced
          when faced with each small, individual problem. We
          then won't go through as much grieving again and
          again with each change and choice we encounter.
          Therefore, we will be able to more efficiently choose
          how we think and act in response to all changes and
          choices.
              Many people wish they could have again the best
          happiness they experienced during childhood, and also
          that it could remain unchanged. But the greatest
          happiness we can have in adulthood is grounded in
          maturity, and it will always fluctuate. To accept
          this reality fully, we have to grieve over the loss
          of our childlike illusions. Once we have accomplished
          this, we will be more able to embrace the constant
          changes and responsibilities of life.
              How can we facilitate the grieving process
          involved in losing our childlike illusions of
          stability and our illusions of not having choices?
          The key again is--do not resist the process.
              To routinely repress our anger or sadness and
          cover it up with a phony image is to live a charade
          in which we are the losers. By trying to deny our
          grief we cause it to remain within our personalities,
          where it subtly contributes to our problems.
              Denial is an attempt to avoid experiencing anger
          and sadness. Instead of resisting these feelings, we
          need to be open to experiencing them. When we feel
          anger, we need to acknowledge it. Yet if we express
          our anger, it needs to be expressed
          appropriately--anger shouldn't be used as an excuse
          for acting harmfully. If we feel sadness, we need to
          experience it, rather than try to repress it because
          we think we shouldn't feel or look sad.
              When we stop resisting our grief, we are more
          able to overcome it and move on. Any experience we
          are going through will always change--and by not
          resisting it we help it to flow and dissipate!
              Sometimes when a person acts angry and people
          call attention to this behavior, the person will deny
          being angry because he or she doesn't want to
          acknowledge it. Then, instead of getting over the
          anger, the angry person continues to experience a
          problem due to the unresolved feeling. But such anger
          can often be defused by a discussion which
          appropriately acknowledges the anger.  Similarly,
          when people cry in acknowledgement of their sadness,
          they seem to get over it sooner. But if they repress
          the need to cry, their sadness seems to carry on,
          hidden inside, for a longer time.
              However, we also shouldn't cling to sadness or
          anger, because this clinging would be resisting
          progress to the state of acceptance. Yet to let go of
          what we are clinging to is difficult: it means giving
          up the relative comfort of our present situation and
          moving past our fear of the unknown. But we can help
          ourselves overcome this fear and let go of our
          resistance with the knowledge that embracing change
          and the freedom to choose are the optimal ways to
          achieve our potential.
              Occasionally, though, despite all the knowledge
          we have gained, we may still become stuck in our
          grief. If this happens, we then have to consciously
          force ourselves, despite how we feel, to change our
          course by focusing on a different and more
          constructive activity. By further embracing change
          and choice in this way, we help ourselves get back on
          the journey of growth.
              The acceptance of change and loss on the overall
          scale, however, will not eliminate the grief of the
          more life-shattering losses, some of which are
          inevitable. But this overall acceptance will help
          prepare us emotionally for more severe grief. If we
          are used to facing losses in healthier ways, then
          when we suffer a major loss we will be better at
          progressing through the grieving process; our
          practice will make it easier. In addition, as a
          result of achieving more of our potential and living
          better, our lives will be filled with greater joy and
          love, and we will have fewer regrets and less guilt
          about how we used our lives.
          
          
              Questions we can ask ourselves:
          
          1.  What losses in my life have I left behind
              without ever fully resolving them to the point 
              of acceptance? Does my anger or sadness ever 
              stem from these unresolved losses?
          
          2.  How do I deal with change? Do I usually expect
              it? When have I resisted it and ended up 
              hurting more? How can I accept changes and work 
              to make the best of them?
          
          3.  Do I choose my responses to situations, or do I
              give my power to choose away to others by 
              blaming them for what I am feeling and doing?  
              When do I realize and accept the choices in my 
              life? When do I become angry or depressed 
              because I don't want to assume responsibility 
              for myself?
          
          4.  How easily do I accept changes I am faced with? 
              When do I reject the reality that I have 
              choices? How can I increase my awareness that 
              in every situation I have several choices?
          
          
          Suggestions for further reading:
          
                  "Life's Parachutes: How to Land on Your Feet
                                      During Trying Times"
                       by Paul Coleman
          
                  "The Wisdom of Insecurity"
                       by Alan Watts
                    
                  "Choices: Coping Creatively With 
                            Personal Change" 
                                &
                  "The Secret Strength of Depression"
                       by Frederic Flach
    
                  "Coming Back: Rebuilding Lives After
                                Crisis and Loss"
                       by Ann Stearns 
         
                  "The Art of Dying"
                       by Robert E. Neale