"If we wish to change our sentiments, it is
necessary before all to modify the idea which
produced them, and to recognize either that it
is not correct itself, or that it does not
touch our interests."
W. E. B. DuBois
"Be not afraid of life. Believe that life is
worth living and your belief will help create
the fact."
William James
6.
OUR SCRIPT IS CREATED
Dr. Berne went on to create a school of
psychology called Transactional Analysis, or "TA," in
which the three ego states are fundamental concepts.
Another important concept in TA is that of "life
scripts" (Berne, 1972). These concepts have proven so
valuable that in some form they influence most mental
health counseling today. TA also asserts that part of
people's inability to live well is due to being
taught early in life, often very subtly, not to do
one or more of three important aspects to living: to
feel, to think, and to love. These injunctions
against feeling, thinking, and loving often become an
integral part of our life script, and consequently
they become significant obstacles to achieving our
potential.
In the story of "The Mutiny On The Bounty,"
Captain Bligh was following a life script which was
no longer appropriate for the circumstances. He was
also cut off from much of his ability to feel and
love. Even though he was somewhat rational, his
thinking Adult was contaminated by the stern rules
and preconceived judgements of his Parent ego state.
And the results of his script were tragic.
Not all life scripts are like Capt. Bligh's, and
neither do they always lead to such negative
outcomes. But in many instances scripts will take one
of three distinct patterns: the helpless victim, the
fervent critic or persecutor, or the selfless helper.
In addition, people's scripts are often dominated by
one ego state which shuts out the other ego states.
Sometimes people even create scripts for themselves
that form a healthy balance and lead them to real
fulfillment and love.
MESSAGES AND DECISIONS
Life scripts are comparable to a movie plot we
mentally form for ourselves when we are children,
which we then accept as how our lives are destined to
proceed and turn out. These scripts are formed as a
result of two important influences during childhood.
The first is the messages conveyed to us in the form
of injunctions (rules and practices we were to
follow) and attributions (characteristics we were
somehow told we did or didn't possess). The second
influence is the decisions we made as children that
were based on what we thought at the time was needed
to best survive.
In childhood we are taught by direct
communication, and perhaps even more significant, we
learn from the many obscure messages which we usually
aren't even aware of. Both ways effectively teach us
important lessons that we carry into adulthood.
However, the obscure messages often lead to more
perplexing problems because their lessons operate on
a more unconscious level, thus creating problems that
are difficult to understand due to their hidden
roots.
Regardless of how we come to learn it, though,
to the extent that we have learned not to feel, not
to think, or not to love, we also have learned not to
be in touch with important components to a complete
life. Many times these negative messages are passed
on according to gender: girls often learn they should
feel but not think, and boys often learn they should
think but not feel. But because of the misleading
ideas about love that continue to endure, most
children learn that they should restrict their
loving. These lessons then become incorporated into
life scripts.
There is also another big problem with the
lessons we learned and the decisions we made in
childhood: when we were children we didn't have the
knowledge and experience to evaluate properly what we
saw and were told. We were poor judges of the
messages we received and of our real capabilities,
and therefore we couldn't make the best decisions
about how to live.
Nevertheless, even though these messages and
decisions are often unsound, they are formed into our
life scripts and carried with us into adulthood,
where they are often acted out as if that's the way
our lives have been programmed. The scripts become
ingrained in us so well that even when they're no
longer appropriate, we habitually follow them in such
a way that our beliefs and expectations are
subsequently fulfilled (the self- fulfilling
prophecy). Not only do we follow our scripts, but we
act in ways that reinforce our certainty of them.
Imagine a method of fortune-telling in which you
are asked how you think your life will turn out, and
your answer is based on two things in your childhood:
the injunctions and attributions you received, and
the immature decisions you made. This prediction you
would make for yourself is equivalent to your primary
life script that you will tend to follow even though
it doesn't produce the result you really want--unless
you change it.
REWRITING OUR SCRIPT
Fortunately, we can update and change our life
scripts to more accurately reflect our true abilities
and the realities of the world. This process of
"rescripting" is done by using our rational,
information processing Adult to become aware of the
beliefs and rules we acquired and the decisions we
made when we formed our scripts. Then as we identify
these beliefs, rules, and decisions of childhood, we
need to evaluate them and decide if they are still
accurate and appropriate. If they aren't, we need to
update them using rational, factual information on
which we can better base our lives.
Like so much else, this requires effort in being
aware of what's going on inside ourselves. When the
Child or Parent ego state interferes with
accomplishing what we want, we can change our ego
state simply by calmly observing ourselves, which
automatically helps us move into the Adult. Then if
we find ourselves carrying out an inappropriate
element of our old script, we can put in its place a
new Adult tape consisting of more sound information
and updated decisions.
Similarly, we can also add to our new script the
decision to encourage the positive traits of our
Parent and Child and disregard the unhelpful
injunctions against these traits. Then we need to
look for and actively promote the sense of wonder,
creativity, and nurturing in ourselves. This is
especially important when these have been hindered by
another ego state and injunctions against them.
A SCRIPT OUTLINE
The variations to life scripts are almost
endless, but a summary of one that eventually becomes
fulfilling might go like this: In their childhood it
was communicated (verbally and nonverbally) to some
people that they were [strong/weak], [smart/dumb],
[creative/uncreative], and that when they grew up
they would [marry/never marry], have a [great
career/dreary job], be [rich/poor], have [children/no
children], be [happy/unhappy]. It was also to some
extent communicated to them not to feel (boys
predominantly), not to think (girls predominantly),
and/or not to love (some children get the message not
to do two or even all of these). Then these people
lived according to what they learned and the
decisions they made early in life, and consequently
their lives turned out for the most part just as they
thought it would. But they [slowly/suddenly]
realized they were [quietly desperate/ suffering
greatly] and that this kind of life wasn't what they
really wanted--so they made the decision to change
their lives. Then they gradually gained awareness of
the feelings, beliefs, rules, and judgements that
they had acquired in childhood and which were still
affecting them, and they began to use their potential
to [feel/think/love], which before had remained
dormant. But all this change required tremendous
effort and struggle, and at times their troubles and
emotional pain became even worse. Eventually though,
through new decisions derived from new information
about themselves and how to live, they created a new
life script. With practice they learned to substitute
this new script in place of the old one. The new
script wasn't always a success, but when it didn't
succeed these people knew that they could learn from
their mistakes and failures, and that the next effort
was more likely to succeed because of what they
learned. Now they are more aware of their feelings
and their ability to think and love. They can change
their thoughts and actions, which in turn also
changes what they feel. And they also love more
without conditions, and they seem to have more love
even though the amount of love they give away to
others has increased. Though their lives aren't
perfect, they seem relatively full and rewarding.
In today's world the number of people who
perpetually follow their initial life script seems to
be slowly decreasing. More people are becoming aware
that they have alternatives, and more people are
rebelling against the scripts they acquired as
children. The problem is that without some
understanding of how we unconsciously reinforce our
old script with our old tapes, and without a specific
replacement for an old script, the task of
successfully leaving a script behind and adopting an
effective new one is much more difficult. To help
insure a successful voyage, we need to wisely choose
a specific course to follow.
THE NEED FOR RECOGNITION
Another important aspect of life scripts is the
concept of "strokes," which are forms of positive or
negative recognition, both verbal and nonverbal.
Positive strokes can take the form of friendly
gestures, positive words, or pleasant physical
touching--and we require some of these for a healthy
nourishment of our inner being. The more that
positive strokes are given unconditionally, the
better they acknowledge the inherent worth of the
recipients. Similarly, the more these strokes are
given based on meeting certain requirements, the more
the recipients are likely to feel that their
self-worth is based on what they do, rather than
feeling inherently worthy.
On the opposite side are negative strokes, which
indicate some form of disapproval, or worse yet, a
lack of respect. Although negative strokes can
sometimes help people learn, they frequently
interfere with development by causing people to feel
less worthy and less capable. Therefore, negative
strokes need to be given with restraint and careful
consideration for the effect on the recipient--and
this can be difficult to do because of our personal
biases.
All people require a certain amount of strokes
to live, and the drive to obtain strokes is a
powerful motivation behind much behavior. If people
don't receive a sufficient amount of positive
strokes, they will then resort to obtaining negative
ones. Though negative strokes are unhealthy, they at
least give recognition to a person's existence. This
drive for at least some stroking, even if it's
negative, can often be seen in the anti-social
behavior of children and adults. In children it may
be in the form of some displeasing behavior that
brings attention, and in adults it may take the form
of senseless rebellion or criminal behavior.
We can use the concept of strokes in our own
lives by examining what kind of strokes we get and
how we go about getting them. Some people spend a
great deal of energy trying to meet the conditions of
other people in order to get strokes. But the
drawback to this approach is in living according to
the demands and conditions of others, and losing
sight of one's own basic needs and abilities. Other
people may receive too many negative strokes without
realizing that they need to change the situation
which is causing them to get so many negative ones.
By recognizing what kind of strokes we receive and
what we do to get them, we can then alter our lives
so we achieve better outcomes.
The concept of strokes can also be used to
examine how we relate to others. The tendency of most
people is to focus on the negative more than the
positive, and this usually is done unconsciously.
It's easy to fall into a pattern of giving too many
negative strokes, and such a pattern will usually
hurt the recipients as well as our relationships with
them. Another pitfall is giving conditional positive
strokes but not enough unconditional ones.
Consequently, becoming aware of the strokes we give
others is important for building good relationships.
By giving positive, yet honest strokes, we can help
to nourish others and build better relationships.
Furthermore, we can increase the quality of the
strokes we give by basing them more on the inherent
worth of all people.
INFERIORITY
Another factor in our life script is a basic
aspect of our Child ego state that was in the chapter
on "Internal Barriers." This is the basic, universal
situation of children being unable to care for
themselves and being ruled by adults. As a result of
this situation, every person's Child ego state
acquires feelings of inadequacy and inferiority--a
feeling of being "not OK," while others, especially
grown-ups, appear powerful and superior. This feeling
of being "not OK" is recorded inside us (a "not OK"
Child tape) and carried into adulthood, where it
keeps popping up for replay any time our button for
it is pushed. Therefore this feeling (the "not OK"
tape) needs to be recognized and understood when it
gets in our way, so we can effectively deal with it
instead of struggling against it.
Feeling "not OK" can actually turn into an
inferior position, and there are two common reactions
to being in this position. The first is to play the
role of "Victim"--willfully becoming dependent and
acting less than equal (Karpman, 1968). What isn't
always obvious is that something is also gained from
playing the role of Victim. In TA the benefit derived
from playing a role is called the "payoff." Often the
person playing this role (or other roles) will be
relatively unaware of the payoff derived from staying
in the role.
Payoffs can be difficult to recognize, but they
usually are what motivate people to remain in a role
and not take action that would change their role.
When people stay in a Victim role, the payoff in
general can be not having to work at and/or risk
changing to a new and unfamiliar role. The relative
comfort of staying in a familiar situation--despite
how bad it may be--can seem preferable to the risk
and effort of venturing into something new and
relatively unknown. A job or marriage may be bad, but
what might happen if a person makes changes may be
worse yet, and the difficulties may increase. With
this outlook a reason to not help oneself is formed
and maintained. A phrase common to such situations is
"Yeah, but . . .", which precedes an excuse for not
taking action.
People can also stay in a Victim role by blaming
others; again the payoff is often an excuse for not
helping oneself--a reason not to take effective
action. The phrase "If only . . .", directed towards
others, is often used in such instances.
But regardless of how people phrase their
excuses, by staying in the role of Victim they gain
the payoff of avoiding the risk and effort of
changing their lives. This payoff is a major block to
getting out of the Victim role, and recognizing it
can be an important step to freeing oneself from this
role.
SOPHISTICATED DISGUISES
The second common reaction to being in the
inferior position of feeling "not OK" often occurs
when people assume a status that implies or involves
some form of superiority. Because this reaction
begins early in life and functions like a disguise,
it frequently isn't recognized as originating from
feelings of inferiority. However, when people assume
an attitude of superiority and act as if others are
inferior to them, they are actually trying to escape
an old inferior feeling. Sometimes such people may
actually have more control over others, but then they
may need to flaunt this power in order to cover up
their deep, inner feeling of inferiority. They also
need to maintain the status of superiority or they
risk feeling "not OK." This process can become hidden
in the form of two roles.
One of these is the "Persecutor." In this role
people elevate themselves to some position of
superiority over others who are seen as deserving to
be persecuted because of some perceived failing or
inadequacy. Persecutors are often applauded in public
and admired, as when they crusade against criminals
or those viewed as evil or immoral. But many times
those who play this role cause problems in society by
causing some people to be unfairly maligned and
sometimes unjustly persecuted.
A lessor variation of the Persecutor is the
"Critic," whose attitude of superiority is
demonstrated by his or her inordinate amount of
criticism towards other people. This person may feel
better as a result of being so critical, but little
is actually done to implement positive, constructive
solutions. Often in the name of "righting wrongs,"
such impassioned critics can spawn solutions that are
short-sighted and consequently lead to greater
pessimism.
The second role, which is often a more subtle
disguise than the first, is the "Rescuer." In this
role people enhance themselves through a position of
relative superiority to others who need help.
Rescuers are frequently praised because of how much
they help others, yet those who play this role
sometimes hinder the people they try to help--the
recipients can become more dependent and experience
decreased self-confidence. Thus rescuers can also
create a barrier to other people becoming more
self-sufficient.
This problem related to rescuing can easily
occur in the health, social service, and religious
professions. Helping others can provide a sense of
self-worth, but when people need to help others in
order to feel good about themselves, this dependency
can interfere with how much they really are helping.
In the education of such professions there usually is
an effort to help reduce this role playing and
eliminate its side effects, but because of its subtle
deceptiveness, it still can occur. Avoiding this
problem is part of the challenge in these
professions.
Playing the role of persecutor or rescuer often
occurs in the general population when people
genuinely try to help, but aren't aware of their real
inner reasons for doing so and its possible negative
effects on others. Both these roles can benefit
society and their value does need to be acknowledged.
Yet those who play these roles are also beneficiaries
of personal payoffs which often are not recognized as
being a motivator for playing the role. Furthermore,
society could benefit if the adverse affects of
playing these roles was acknowledged more.
Aside from how playing these roles can affect
others, a major problem with all three roles is that
they inhibit those who play them from dealing with
their own buried feelings of inferiority--and
consequently these people remain unable to fully
accept themselves. To deal with these feelings
requires the effort and risk of people going into the
deepest part of their being to confront their fears
and motivations. It also might mean giving up their
role of victim, persecutor, or rescuer. But the cost
of avoiding this self-examination is remaining
distant from their inner-selves, which also restricts
them from a broader understanding of humanity.
ROTATING ROLES
These three roles also share a trait that can
add more confusion to interpersonal relationships.
Although people will usually play one main role, they
will sometimes switch to one of the other roles: the
victim can change to rescuer for those worse off, and
to persecutor towards those who they can find fault
with; the rescuer can become the persecutor when the
rescue doesn't turn out as expected, and then become
the victim when the rescue and persecution ultimately
fail; the persecutor can become a victim of the
never-ending battle against wrong, and then can end
up as rescuer to others who are worse off. Regardless
of which role we begin with, unless we free ourselves
from playing such roles we will most likely switch to
another role at some time, and then the resulting
confusion will make it more difficult to solve our
problems.
Role playing and this role rotation can happen
to some extent in most relationships. But as we
relate to others from these roles, we decrease the
likelihood of a positive outcome. If we interact with
others from a role of us being superior, we are
masking our feelings of inferiority, and our humanity
as well. This mask will eventually interfere with
our effectiveness. If we relate from a role of
inadequacy and dependency--the victim--we dilute our
power and avoid taking responsibility for ourselves.
GAMES
In his book Games People Play, Berne (1964)
classified a game as a recurring behavior pattern
that has a hidden psychological motive different from
the apparent social motivation. Though he documented
dozens of games that people commonly play, he also
pointed out that analyzing games and even refusing to
play them can become a game, and that this needs to
be recognized. While it's important not to let our
interest in games become another game, a basic
understanding of them will help us recognize and
overcome them.
An examination of game playing can be summed up
in three parts:
1. Which ego state we are in (Child, Parent, or
Adult), and which ego state of the other person
are we relating to and which one are they
actually in? (If we try to relate to an ego
state other than the one the person is in, the
interaction will become tangled.)
2. Are we putting ourselves in a position of being
less than equal (inferior and dependent--usually
in the role of victim), or more than equal
(superior--often in the role of persecutor,
critic, or rescuer), and how may this be rooted
in an underlying feeling of being "not OK"?
3. What is the hidden purpose, or payoff, for us in
playing a particular part in an interaction or
relationship? How does this payoff hamper us from
growing?
By reducing game analysis to these three parts,
we can more easily use it as a tool for understanding
ourselves and our relationships. As we do so we will
increase our ability to relate to people as equals,
while we decrease the effects of role playing and
hidden payoffs.
SEEING MORE CLEARLY
An excellent opportunity to use this summary of
games in conjunction with the process of detached
personal observation is when we are experiencing
strife in a relationship. In the midst of such
conflict we can interrupt how we are reacting and
mentally step back and observe ourselves, with a calm
and dispassionate objectivity, to see what ego state
we are in.
Clues to this can be found in our body language
and tone of voice--are we tense in some body area,
maybe the jaw, chest or arms, or do we seem listless
or depressed; is our voice unusually loud or soft,
quick or harsh; are we acting hurt, aggressive or
defensive? Another important clue is the thoughts we
are thinking--are they old, recurring tapes of
thoughts that keep us playing the same old roles or
games?
Although we could also try to objectively
examine the other person to see what ego state they
are in, this can be difficult to do in a conflict
situation. And the greater the conflict, the less
likely we are to be objective. Worse yet, trying to
do this can distract us from fully examining
ourselves.
As we become better at examining ourselves, we
can extend this process to see if we're coming from a
position of inferiority and dependency or one of
superiority, and then what the payoff is for us in
playing a role or maintaining a certain position.
Once we identify this payoff, overcoming the role
will be easier.
Such observation can be difficult to do in the
middle of a conflict, and the tendency is to use it
to examine past situations. Examining our past in
this way will give us greater insight into our
problems, as well as be good preliminary experience
in examining ourselves with greater objectivity.
But the most benefit from detached personal
observation takes place when we use it in the here
and now, at the time we're in the midst of a
conflict. We don't have to be experts at detecting
the different aspects of our ego states, life
scripts, and games. Whenever we find ourselves
becoming angry or dejected because of some conflict,
just starting the process of mentally stepping back
to observe ourselves puts us more into the Adult ego
state and gives us greater mastery of our choices.
One very beneficial choice we can sometimes make is
to consciously let go of our angry feelings.
The power of this process lies in changing from
being wrapped up in our conflict and being too close
to see it clearly, to becoming more of an objective
observer of ourselves and the conflict. At the same
time, by interrupting our thinking we automatically
change it. This in turn also gives us the power to
alter our feelings, because when we change our
thoughts, the feelings that accompany our thoughts
change too. And the more we practice this method of
observation, as well as choosing to let go of anger
or other detrimental feelings, the better we will
become at doing it.
A RISK
There is also risk in observing ourselves: we
may find things we don't like. Many times people
avoid self-examination because it means examining
one's motivations, beliefs, and true intentions, and
they're afraid of what they will discover.
Nevertheless, we need to find the courage to confront
our less desirable qualities, and then take the time
to develop better ways of relating to our world.
Doing this requires a commitment to working at it,
but we can gain encouragement by knowing that this is
the optimal way to live, and that the more we
practice such self-examination, the easier it will
become.
When we do find things in ourselves that we
don't like, it's important not to be hard on
ourselves. Instead, we need to accept ourselves as
inherently good with some qualities that we're trying
to improve. Throughout life we need to honor our
inherent worth and reward ourselves for striving to
improve.
CHEMICAL AND OTHER CONTAMINATION
Some words of caution about using detached
personal observation are also necessary: all
mind-altering drugs can interfere with the process
and make it counter-productive. Alcohol is by far
the most prevalent and biggest problem, with cocaine
and amphetamines next on the list. Furthermore, the
negative effect is multiplied immensely when one
mind-altering drug is used with another.
The problem is that mind-altering drugs can
inhibit the functioning of the Adult ego state in
very insidious ways. When people are under the
influence of such a drug and try to use the rational
Adult mode to examine their situation, their thinking
more easily becomes contaminated by the negative
aspects of their Child and Parent. But because of the
faulty functioning of their Adult, they can't
sufficiently comprehend how their objectivity and
judgement has deteriorated.
If people get into this situation, a clue for
themselves that they aren't functioning well in their
Adult ego state occurs when they are angry or
depressed and their supposedly objective and rational
observation only makes the situation worse. The best
option if this happens is for them and others to
accept that because they are affected by a drug,
their ability to use their Adult and the process of
detached personal observation has probably been
impaired, and therefore they should wait until the
drug has worn off before dealing with the problem.
Unfortunately, the mind-altering problem with drugs
can make it hard to recognize or accept this clue.
As mentioned in the last chapter, the
contamination of the Adult ego state by unhelpful
aspects of the Child and Parent can also take place
without the effect of drugs. Such contamination
occurs when we believe we are being objective and
rational, but the hurts and defenses of our Child
and/or the rules and judgments of our Parent
contaminate our Adult. Then our objectivity is
reduced and our thinking becomes distorted due to the
contamination.
We can identify such contamination by
recognizing when instead of making things better, our
thinking is causing negative emotions and
unproductive actions to increase. If we look honestly
at our past patterns, we may find times when this
occurred, along with some signals to look for:
increased feelings of hurt, anger, or inadequacy, and
authoritarian, manipulative, or defensive behavior.
Then when a present conflict is deteriorating, we can
be on the lookout for these signals; if we see them,
this is an indicator that we need to stop and use
detached personal observation to find how our Child
or Parent is contaminating our Adult.
The concepts of the three ego states and life
scripts incorporating strokes, roles, and games may
be the most significant advance in self-examination
since the ancient Greeks stressed "Know thyself."
Used as tools for examining and understanding
ourselves, they can help us develop our ability to
love and be happy. By connecting these concepts with
the practices in the next chapter, we can further
enhance our power to improve our lives.
Making such changes in our lives is not easy,
but the greatest challenges in life also contain the
roots for the most fulfilling rewards. The advantage
in choosing this approach is akin to trimming our
best sails to take full advantage of the wind's
power.
Questions we can ask ourselves:
1. What is my life script? In what ways does it
limit my life to the inaccurate things that I
learned as a child? How can I update my life
script with information regarding my true
abilities and potential?
2. How do I try to get the strokes I need? Are the
ones I give and receive mostly positive or
negative? How could I alter my life to receive
more positive and unconditional strokes? How
could I give more positive strokes?
3. When do I feel inadequate, inferior, or "not
OK"? How does this cause me to respond? Do I
sometimes respond with less ability than I'm
really capable of? Do I sometimes assume
superiority over others to cover an old,
hidden feeling of inferiority?
4. How might I sometimes play the role of "Victim,
Rescuer, or Persecutor?" What is the "Payoff" I
receive if I play one of these roles? What
might be a hidden motive for continuing my
behavior pattern?
5. When has my Child or Parent contaminated my
Adult and caused my thinking to be distorted,
which in turn has caused a conflict to escalate
or be prolonged? What signals could I be on the
lookout for so I could use detached personal
observation to improve my approach to conflicts?
These last two chapters are just the basics of TA.
Some books that can greatly enhance the use of these
concepts are:
"I'm OK, You're OK: A Practical Guide to
Transactional Analysis"
by Thomas Harris
(despite the jokes that have resulted from its title,
this is an excellent, enjoyable explanation of TA)
"Success Through Transactional Analysis"
by Jut Meininger
"Scripts People Live"
by Claude Steiner
"Beyond Games And Scripts"
by Eric Berne
(definitive selections of Berne's writings)
"Self-Esteem"
by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning
(although not a TA book, it is excellent and
can be used in conjunction with TA principles;
emphasizes overcoming fear and self-doubt)
Copyright 2001 by Keith L. Kendrick
E-mail: awaken@teleport.com
Url: :http://www.inner-growth.com
http://home.teleport.com/~awaken/lifebook.htm