"Pain is the great teacher of mankind; 
              beneath its breath souls develop."
                                    Maria von Ebner Eschenbach
          
          
              "Happiness is not a reward, it is a
               consequence."
                                    Robert G. Ingersoll
          
          
                                 7.
                     DEVELOPING BASIC PRACTICES
          
              On a sailing voyage specific practices are
          fundamental for dealing with the problems that will
          inevitably arise in using the power of the wind.
          Likewise, to create a fulfilling life certain
          practices are necessary for effectively dealing with
          the difficulties that we will encounter. For those
          who want to use the concepts of TA, it's the role of
          the Adult ego state to learn or refine these
          practices. However, if a person doesn't care for
          those concepts, the need to apply the practices is
          still the same.
              Fortunately, we can learn them just as we can
          learn other skills. But unlike some skills that
          benefit from the agility and reflexes of youth, the
          ability to learn these practices is enhanced by the
          experience and traits of adulthood. The bad news is
          that as in developing any skill or ability, we need
          to thoroughly understand the fundamentals, and then
          we need to regularly apply them.
              In addition, these basic practices are so
          interrelated that when we apply one of them, we do it
          in relation to the others.  They can't be adequately
          developed on an independent basis as we could
          separately learn carpentry, writing, and football.
              Just as a ship needs accurate charts and
          bearings if it's to have a successful and relatively
          enjoyable voyage, we need sound information about
          ourselves and the world in order to achieve our
          potential. So the first practice is what I call the
          open-minded search for reality. The effect of this is
          a process I call "becoming real."
              Many people would say that reality is hard to
          define, and furthermore, that nobody can know for
          sure what it is. Yet to have a productive discussion
          about it, we need a common ground on which to discuss
          it. Therefore, let's define reality as: the quality
          or state of being true and real in life; actually
          happening or in fact (based on Webster's Dictionary).
          More practically put, reality is what actually is,
          not what may be ideal or what we wish it to be.
              In this practice are two characteristics:
          openness and seeking. The distinction is important
          because it's easy to use one and disregard the other.
          We can be open to reality and yet have a very limited
          perception of it if we don't seek it. We can also
          seek reality and yet not accept it because our minds
          are too closed--it may make us uncomfortable or
          threaten us. Thus our growth is more effectively
          enhanced by simultaneously being open-minded and in
          search of what is real.
              A major difficulty with reality, though, is that
          it isn't always absolutely identifiable and testable.
          Nevertheless, there are two good ways of evaluating a
          reputed reality: how well it has endured over time,
          and whether or not it has been effective at producing
          consistent, positive results. The latter was referred
          to by Jesus in his metaphor, "By their fruits, you
          shall know them," and history has shown well that the
          long term result that something produces is a good
          indication of its true nature.
              From these two ways of evaluating reality we can
          conclude that a universal reality is always
          surrounding us: all people, regardless of their
          circumstances, encounter throughout their lives a
          multitude of problems and pains. These will vary
          depending upon the situation, but the basic human
          problems of loneliness and belonging, security and
          freedom, of creating meaning in our lives, and
          ultimately our mortality, face every person.
              Many people cling to the notion that life
          shouldn't be so difficult and unfair, and this
          misconception inhibits there ability to live
          optimally. The quicker we accept the fact that life
          is inherently full of unfairness, dilemmas, and
          discomfort, the sooner we can begin to deal with
          these problems in more productive ways. As we develop
          our abilities to deal with problems, we can also
          realize that it is primarily because of these
          problems that we grow spiritually. In developing this
          approach to life though, we will greatly speed our
          progress by understanding a tendency that causes our
          misconceptions to continue.
          
          SELECTIVE PERCEPTION
              The basic inaccuracies and fallacies that we
          frequently acquire have been described in earlier
          chapters. However, what causes these misconceptions
          to persist comes from a tendency we all naturally
          have to some extent. In psychology this tendency is
          known as selective perception--and it's common in all
          people because it is related to the basic drive for
          self-preservation.  To overcome this tendency, we
          need to know how it works and then become aware of
          when it prevents us from gaining a deeper
          understanding.
              Selective perception is the way we mentally try
          to protect our current patterns of thinking,
          believing, and acting. It often can be seen when we
          select information about most things, but especially
          with information regarding religion, politics, and
          specific lifestyles. We have the tendency to select
          information with which we already agree, which
          reinforces our existing beliefs and actions, and to
          reject information that conflicts with what we
          currently know and/or causes us to be uncomfortable.
              This tendency is a form of basic
          self-preservation because with it we try to preserve
          ourselves as we currently exist. But unfortunately,
          in addition to limiting our understanding, it also
          reinforces the negative and counter-productive
          aspects of ourselves. We all probably have known
          people who seem to see mostly the negative and others
          who see mostly the positive. The excessively negative
          view is frequently manifested in self-defeating
          beliefs and actions, and these are retained because
          the people select perceptions that lock them into
          seeing only this aspect. But being too positive can
          also interfere with handling problems; perceptions
          may be selected which deny the need to deal with the
          problems, or even that they exist. Even in more
          subtle instances, though, selective perception can
          cause people to remain stuck in their patterns that
          lead to unhappiness.
              At times the tendency to select our perceptions
          can distort the way we see things even more. An
          example of this is when we view a situation and
          "project" qualities onto it, and these qualities are
          based more on our history of personal problems than
          on the objective facts of the situation. Rather than
          just perceiving selectively, we may unconsciously
          look for things that relate to our programming that
          began in childhood. Because we look for these things,
          we are more apt to see them, even if they're
          insignificant or don't really exist, except in our
          minds.
          
          OVERGENERALIZED CONCLUSIONS 
              Selective perception occurs in several forms.
          One is by making overgeneralized conclusions which
          are reflected in the way we think: everything is seen
          in distinct terms of black and white with little
          in-between, and a single or occasional occurrence is
          misconstrued as a continuous pattern. If we or others
          make a mistake, we label ourselves or them as
          inadequate, and anyone who experiences failure,
          including ourselves, is viewed as an overall failure.
          We either make mountains out of molehills or try to
          deny that the mountains exist. Furthermore, problems
          and their solutions tend to be viewed in simplistic,
          sweeping terms. With such generalizations our
          perception of reality is distorted to fit our
          existing beliefs, and we reject contradictory
          information by insisting, often for some vague
          reason, that it doesn't matter.
          
          PERSONALIZING
              Another way we perceive selectively is through
          personalizing: external incidents are taken too
          personally by accepting what our emotions tell us as
          being the way things actually are--because we feel
          something, then it must be true.  Someone does
          something that offends me, and then I take it
          personally by feeling, and thus perceiving, that it
          was actually done to offend me. This type of thinking
          disregards the fact that the person doesn't know me
          and was probably just meeting his or her own needs
          with little consideration for my existence.
              In another instance, we may feel that an event
          we had some connection to was caused by us, even
          though another cause was mainly responsible. We may
          have played a small part in it, but we magnify our
          part and take on unwarranted responsibility for the
          event. In both instances our feelings are accepted as
          reality, and although they are real, our feelings
          cloud the truth.
          
          PERSONAL PSYCHIC READINGS
              Along with personalizing is our psychic
          readings, in which we predict how things are going to
          turn out for us or think we know what another person
          is thinking and why he or she is doing something--as
          if we could see into the future and read minds. But
          with these dubious interpretations we also usually
          act to fulfill our prediction (the self-fulfilling
          prophecy), and we are less open to what the other
          person is really thinking and to other reasons for
          his or her actions.
              Such psychic readings can be particularly
          detrimental when we predict that our future is going
          to be predominantly negative, or we incorrectly think
          that another person doesn't care about us or is
          trying to hurt us. Again our view of reality is
          distorted by selecting information that reinforces
          our beliefs as they currently exist, while we exclude
          information that may be more accurate.
          
          INJUNCTIONS AND ATTRIBUTES
              We also select our perceptions by using the
          injunction and attribute statements referred to in
          the last chapter. These are the "I must or must not,
          I should or shouldn't" statements, and the "I am or
          am not, I can or can't" statements that we acquired
          long ago and still feel compelled to carry out. We
          acquired these during childhood from the authority
          figures in our lives, which frequently reflected the
          main trends in society at the time.  However, as
          children we can't evaluate these statements
          intelligently enough to reject those that are
          counter-productive, and adults frequently don't
          extend the effort to evaluate them sufficiently.
              We habitually make such statements to ourselves
          on a mental basis, and usually without being aware
          that we are doing it. But we also act in accord with
          the statements, regardless of their validity, and
          consequently we often unwittingly put unhelpful
          limitations on ourselves.
              These statements can be useful in limiting
          antisocial behavior and instilling a sense of ethics,
          and positive "I am" and "I can" statements can lead
          people to develop their potential. Yet because the
          personal attribute and injunction statements of most
          people are too negative or restrictive, they seldom
          promote constructive change. When directed inward,
          such statements often promote useless guilt or
          self-contempt that interferes with making positive
          changes. If directed toward others, they can cause
          anger and conflict--people will frequently react
          unfavorably when someone tells them they must,
          shouldn't, or can't do something. But in using these
          statements, our view of what is really possible or
          acceptable is limited to fit our existing beliefs.
          
          SOLUTION: COURAGEOUS AWARENESS
              We begin to overcome the problem of selective
          perception by putting effort into discovering how we
          use it. First we need to let go of our belief that
          what we know about ourselves and the world is
          completely accurate, and then be open to everything
          that can increase our understanding of what is true.
          Such openness requires courage because we will be
          venturing into the unknown and giving up the security
          of believing we're right.
              Next, we need to examine ourselves in a more
          objective way to see how we have selected our
          perceptions to reinforce our beliefs and behaviors.
          The knowledge gained from this self-examination is
          invaluable for knowing ourselves better and
          increasing our ability to love.
              This examination also needs to be used to see
          how we select our perceptions moment by moment. By
          doing this we spontaneously expand our awareness; we
          change from being completely immersed in our
          perceptions to being more observant of how we
          perceive. Just as we get out of a trance by "waking
          up" and becoming more aware, we overcome selective
          perception by increasing our awareness.  Through
          observing ourselves and becoming more aware of how we
          perceive, we automatically change the process of
          perception.
          
          LIVING IN GOOD FAITH
              Another aspect of becoming real is learning to
          live in harmony with our true abilities. This is in
          contrast to when people hide their abilities and
          refrain from doing things they are capable of doing
          because they're afraid of losing someone's approval.
          It is also the opposite of when people pretend to be
          more than they are in order to gain favor.
              If we hide our abilities or pretend to be more
          than we are, we become impostors who are actually
          rejecting our real selves.  The French philosopher
          Jean-Paul Sartre (1956) called this "living in bad
          faith." Others can often sense when someone is
          rejecting his or her real self, and consequently they
          are more likely to reject that person too. When this
          rejection by others occurs, the person may be
          surprised by it and unable to understand why.
              When we live in harmony with our true selves, we
          won't feel like we have to hide our abilities or our
          happiness. This doesn't mean that we should show off
          or brag about ourselves, but that we feel good about
          who we are and can express this feeling in the way we
          live.
              Since real people are more open, their energy is
          also more apparent to others. When those who haven't
          learned to be real sense this energy, they sometimes
          will be annoyed or threatened by it. This negative
          response can be a price we pay for becoming real, but
          we shouldn't let it stop us; it's actually a small
          price to pay for the benefits of a hearty and
          fulfilling life.
              Overcoming our selective perceptions and knowing
          ourselves better require courage and commitment.
          There is always the risk that some of the truth we
          discover will be distressing. To find that for a long      time we have been wrong about something, or acting
          inappropriately or harmfully, can cause us to
          experience regret or even anguish. The process
          requires commitment because of the ongoing effort
          that is needed. It isn't something that happens and
          then continues without effort.
              Yet becoming real is worth the risk and effort;
          not only do the benefits include increased love and
          fulfillment, but the alternative of basing our lives
          on facades and self-deceptions ultimately causes more
          difficulty. In addition, we can gain the courage and
          motivation to pursue this course by understanding
          that it is the best route to being truly successful.
          
          ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY
              The next practice will result from performing
          the first: if we seek reality with an open mind, we
          will realize the necessity of accepting appropriate
          responsibility--a process by which we gain maximum
          control of our lives. The opposite of this practice
          is rejecting responsibility for ourselves and trying
          to give it to others--and in doing so we give them
          greater control over us.  Similarly, if we hold the
          past as being responsible for our circumstances, we
          surrender our control to the confining dictates of
          the past. Only by accepting responsibility for
          ourselves can we develop the potential that lies
          dormant inside us.
              People who reject responsibility for themselves
          more frequently feel that life is unfair, and that
          their lives are controlled by luck and other people.
          Actually their feelings reflect the reality of their
          situation; they are more controlled by others because
          they have given away control of their lives to other
          people, and they probably experience more unfairness
          because they depend more on others. And in
          surrendering the direction of their lives to luck,
          they let chance control their lives, not realizing
          that luck is largely of one's own creation due to
          prudent, repeated effort.
              Most people who achieve success assume
          responsibility for themselves, including their
          mistakes and failures. They realize that to be
          successful they have to keep trying, and that making
          mistakes and encountering failure are inherent
          elements of striving. But they also use such setbacks
          as valuable lessons for learning what to do
          differently.
              We primarily create our own good luck, as well
          as our fate, by continuing in our efforts to succeed,
          and by using our mistakes to learn better approaches.
          Being aware of how we contribute to our success will
          also help us be more alert for opportunities--a large
          part of success is recognizing and taking advantage
          of opportunity. When we accept responsibility for
          ourselves, we are more apt to be aware of
          opportunities and use them better. Thus we continue
          to create what some people would interpret as "good
          luck."
          
          APPROPRIATENESS
              The responsibility that we accept also needs to
          be appropriate. When we take on responsibility that
          actually belongs to someone else, we burden ourselves
          with unnecessary duties which divert us from what we
          really need to do. At the same time we can hinder
          others by not allowing them to assume responsibility
          for problems they need to deal with in order to grow.
              However, these drawbacks shouldn't be used as a
          reason to exclude ourselves entirely from helping
          people. Rather than being a justification for living
          an isolated, selfish life, this examination is just
          to clarify the difficulty in practicing healthy
          responsibility. Most mental health professionals
          would agree that the basis for the majority of
          psychological problems is either not accepting enough
          responsibility or accepting too much.
              Determining what is the proper amount of
          responsibility to accept is an ongoing problem.
          Throughout our lives we need to decide what to be
          responsible for and what not to be responsible for,
          and in this continuing process we won't always make
          the best decisions. Yet making these mistakes doesn't
          mean we are inadequate; it means we have risked
          trying and have gained an opportunity to learn.
              In accepting responsibility for others we run
          the risks of taking on unhealthy burdens while
          hampering their growth. Why then should we try to
          help others? Because in doing so we can learn about
          ourselves and others, and build bonds between our
          community and ourselves that make us feel we have a
          more meaningful place in life. Through reaching out
          to others in appropriate ways, we enrich ourselves
          and the world.
              In contrast, by excessively rejecting
          responsibility for others we restrict our
          understanding and increase our isolation.  This often
          leads to a feeling of "it's me against the world," or
          "I don't fit in or belong anywhere." Sometimes this
          lack of understanding and the feeling of isolation
          can lead to a life aimed towards self-destruction.
          Sometimes it motivates people to join a social circle
          or club which reduces their isolation and the feeling
          of not belonging. Occasionally it causes people to
          join a group which also reduces their feelings of
          powerlessness--and sometimes because of the distorted
          reasoning and fear in the group, they discriminate
          harshly and unjustly against other groups; extreme
          examples are again the Ku Klux Klan and Neo-Nazis.
              As we struggle with the continuing issue of what
          our responsibility is and isn't, we will encounter
          many dilemmas and frustrations. But by assuming
          responsibility that is appropriate, personally and in
          our community, we can reach the fulfillment that we
          are truly capable of.
          
          EXPERIENCING NECESSARY DISCOMFORT
              This practice is actually an extension of the
          previous one, but the distinction can be important;
          we can claim responsibility, and yet not do what is
          needed. A basic, innate tendency we all acquire as
          children is the avoidance of pain, which is
          instrumental in protecting us from injury. Yet this
          tendency naturally leads us to avoid discomfort, even
          when such avoidance isn't in our best overall
          interests. Consequently, this inclination to avoid
          what is uncomfortable is a major underlying factor in
          the continuation of most of our problems.
              To assume responsibility fully, we must
          experience the discomfort inherent to dealing with
          problems. When faced with problems we can choose
          either to put the necessary effort into resolving
          them, or we can try to avoid dealing with them by
          running away or just doing nothing. If we avoid
          making a choice, we are still choosing the course of
          trying to evade the discomfort of dealing with the
          problems.
              Following this practice also implies reducing
          the discomfort that isn't necessary. Some of the
          discomfort people experience is avoidable, because it
          often results from rejecting the initial effort
          required for resolving problems--and the problems and
          the anxiety associated with them linger, adding to
          the amount of overall discomfort. Furthermore, when
          problems are not dealt with they frequently get
          worse, causing additional anxiety and work.  We can
          best reduce the total amount of discomfort in our
          lives by choosing to experience that discomfort which
          is part of resolving our problems.
              Whether it's handling issues in our
          relationships, learning the requirements for a job,
          or changing our behavior, the situation is similar;
          in trying to avoid the discomfort associated with
          resolving a problem, we usually allow the problem to
          continue. Not only does it continue, but we also have
          to endure the nagging knowledge and accompanying
          feelings that the problem is still waiting for us. So
          in trying to avoid the discomfort involved in dealing
          with problems, we actually compound it with the
          anxiety caused by knowing our effort is still needed.
              Worse yet is avoiding a problem and wishing that
          it would just go away, and instead the problem grows
          because we ignored it. This situation is like
          avoiding the work needed to maintain a roof, and then
          developing a leaky roof that damages the interior,
          thus creating even more work to repair the damage.
          Some people may even go so far as to still avoid the
          work needed to fix the roof and interior, and then
          the whole house begins to decay.
              The consequences of avoiding uncomfortable
          situations is especially relevant to relationships
          when the inevitable conflicts occur and need to be
          worked out. If we try to avoid the discomfort in
          working to resolve these conflicts, frequently the
          problems will build up and reduce the richness of the
          relationship--like coffee that is kept hot for too
          long becomes bitter, or a pot that suddenly boils
          over and creates a big mess.
              Sometimes when we don't deal with a relationship
          problem in the hope that it will resolve itself, it
          will get better. But if this approach to handling
          problems is used very much, the many times when the
          problems just linger unresolved will gradually hurt
          the relationship. Often this approach has an eventual
          effect similar to not repairing a leaky roof,
          ultimately ending in damage that is beyond repair.
              Choosing to experience necessary discomfort
          often has an unexpected positive side to it. Many
          times the discomfort we experience in dealing with a
          problem is actually less than we had anticipated. How
          many times have we dreaded the impending effort that
          was expected in dealing with a problem, then to our
          pleasant surprise found that when we dealt with it,
          the discomfort wasn't as bad as we had thought?
          
          SMALL STEPS
              Sometimes we may postpone working on a problem
          because it appears so large and the required effort
          seems so great that we have difficulty even
          beginning. This type of procrastination stems from
          viewing an entire task or problem as a whole which
          needs to be dealt with in its entirety. We can help
          ourselves overcome such procrastination by altering
          our perception of the problem: by breaking the
          problem down into individual steps and seeing it as a
          set of small tasks to be handled one at a time, they
          won't look as formidable as they do all together.
              At times, getting started on a task can seem to
          be the hardest part. But whenever we have trouble
          beginning something because it seems so difficult, we
          can ask ourselves what small thing we are willing to
          do now in relation to the task. We can begin with
          what we see as easily achievable. If we need to build
          a fence, we can start with buying the materials. Then
          we can take another step and try putting in the
          posts. After that putting up the fence boards won't
          seem so imposing. If we want to write a book, we can
          begin with its basic idea and create the title, and
          then we can work on the chapter names. After that we
          can outline one chapter and then move on to another.
              If a small start doesn't work, we can learn from
          it and try an even smaller one. Sometimes we may
          learn that some jobs aren't for us and that we need
          to alter our goal or how we achieve it.  Learning to
          alter goals is a valuable lesson, but it can only be
          learned when we actually try doing something.
              When we begin to work on just one small part of
          a task or problem, we make that important beginning.
          After starting on it, we may even accomplish more
          than we had anticipated doing. It's also important
          that we acknowledge each small success and reward
          ourselves for our efforts. The reward doesn't need to
          be big or dramatic; an excellent reward is
          consciously enjoying the positive feeling of
          accomplishment. But with this reward we encourage
          ourselves to choose another small step and continue
          the process one step at a time.
              This way of experimenting with a series of small
          steps one after another, and learning from our
          mistakes and rewarding ourselves for our efforts, is
          actually the way we become real people. And the most
          effective way to pursue this process is through
          accepting appropriate responsibility and choosing to
          experience that discomfort which is inherent to
          resolving problems. Yet when we deal with a problem,
          the timing and amount of effort needs to be properly
          managed for the most benefit to occur. The next
          practice is central to such management.
          
          MODERATION
              In Greece, where the city of Delphi once
          existed, there is an ancient temple which has the
          maxim "Know Thyself" inscribed above the entrance.
          Across from it is another temple, and inscribed over
          its entrance is the motto "Nothing To Excess." Yet in
          a far different culture five hundred years before the
          birth of Jesus, Confucius said "The key . . . is
          moderation in all things." Thus, the practice of
          moderation has long been considered in a wide range
          of cultures to be an important practice to living
          successfully.
              Anything, whether it's a thought, feeling,
          action, or physical substance, if taken to too great
          of an excess will turn from being healthy and
          life-promoting to being detrimental.  Furthermore,
          there are limits to our resources and how far we can
          spread them; with every endeavor there is some point
          at which gaining a small, additional benefit will
          excessively drain our resources and result in
          disharmony. Because of this reality, every aspect of
          our lives can benefit from using moderation.
              A contemporary interpretation of this practice
          is the rule of diminishing returns, which deals with
          the ratio of the benefit gained to the amount of
          resources used (resources can be any physical or
          nonmaterial asset we have; time or energy, money and
          other capital, the planet's natural resources, etc.).
              To illustrate this rule, let's look at three
          different ratios of benefit gained compared to
          resources used. The first occurs when we gain a large
          benefit as a result of using a small portion of our
          resources. The second is when we significantly
          increase our expenditure of resources, but gain a
          smaller benefit in comparison to the amount of
          resources used. With the third ratio there is very
          little additional benefit gained, even though there
          is an immense increase in the amount of resources
          used.
              One example is entering the world of electronic
          entertainment by purchasing a small radio for $50. On
          this first level, as a result of a modest expenditure
          of our resources we usually would gain the benefit of
          a large range of music, news, and talk shows. The
          impact on our lives is considerable compared to the
          small amount of our resources we have used.
              On the next level, we upgrade our system by
          adding a compact disc player, a more powerful
          amplifier and tuner, and larger speakers, which cost
          us $700. Our expenditure is many times that of the
          first level, yet we have gained the benefit of
          listening to a much better sound and being able to
          choose a much greater variety of music. The benefit
          gained is substantial for our increased expenditure
          of resources, yet the overall impact on our lives in
          comparison to the amount of resources used is not as
          great as in the first level. The proportion of
          benefits we get in return for our increased
          investment has diminished somewhat.
              On the third level we buy top-of-the-line
          equipment, which doesn't increase our range of music
          but does produce a small improvement in sound, for a
          cost of $3,000. Yet the effect on our lives of the
          small additional benefit compared to the huge
          expenditure of our resources is much less than with
          the previous levels. The proportion of benefits
          returned on our vast expenditure of resources has
          diminished to the point where we should consider if
          the large cost is worth what we get in return.
              Some people might call making such comparisons a
          value judgment, which would be accurate--and that is
          also the point:  ultimately everything in life comes
          down to a value judgment.  Making such judgments is
          how we manage our lives; when we avoid making these
          evaluations, we are choosing to let others control
          our values, and consequently our lives.
          
          RESOURCE MANAGEMENT
              To promote harmony between the different aspects
          of our lives, we must use our resources wisely.
          Therefore, moderation is a key element in juggling
          the various facets that add to a well-rounded,
          successful life.
              By keeping in mind the rule of diminishing
          returns when we make choices, we can more effectively
          use our time and energy, as well as our finances and
          other material assets. Opportunities for this occur
          in choosing all aspects of our lives: transportation
          and housing, entertainment and hobbies, and how much
          time and effort to put into work and personal
          relationships. If we invest too much time and energy
          into any of these areas, then the benefit returned
          for the time and energy spent will diminish
          correspondingly, and other areas of our lives will
          then suffer.  Therefore, learning to apply such
          discretion is necessary for developing our potential.
              The ratio of expenditure to benefits is also
          relevant to the spiritual facet of our lives. If we
          focus too much on the material aspects of life, this
          will cause us to neglect the spiritual aspect.
          Likewise, concentrating too much on the spiritual can
          cause us to miss out on physical aspects that can add
          much to life. Although either excess can lead to
          problems, the more frequent tendency is for the
          pursuit of the material world to override the
          spiritual aspect. In our culture, pursuing too many
          material things usually causes far more problems than
          concentrating too much on the spiritual.
          
          TIMING
              Moderation also needs to be applied to the
          timing of our endeavors. A problem sometimes occurs
          when a situation arises that needs to be dealt with,
          but the immediate time is unfavorable for dealing
          with it. Instead of waiting for a better time, some
          people think that whenever something needs to be
          done, it should be taken care of immediately. This is
          taking on responsibility, but without the necessary
          blend of discretion and restraint.
              Not always should the discomfort of dealing with
          a problem be attempted as soon as the problem
          presents itself. The likelihood of success under the
          existing circumstances needs to be an important
          consideration in our timing. Putting off dealing with
          problems can be a hindrance to solving them if it's
          done to avoid the discomfort that is inherent to the
          solution. But selecting the proper time for dealing
          with problems is actually part of the responsibility
          needed for most effectively solving them.
              To regularly juggle the different aspects of
          living is a great challenge, and the problem is
          heightened as we deal with a world that continues to
          rapidly become more complex. It's comparable to
          juggling several balls while standing on a base that
          seems to get shakier and shakier, with the further
          challenge of having balls sporadically added without
          our consent. This increasing complexity makes the
          need to develop these basic practices even more
          important.
              Yet when we try to love wisely and practice the
          most effective ways of living, we still learn largely
          through the trial and error process of continuing our
          efforts after making mistakes. Whether the concern is
          a personal relationship, our job, or the more mundane
          aspects of everyday living, we have to first risk
          trying something. If that doesn't work, then we need
          to try something else. But we can greatly improve
          this trial and error process by honestly examining
          how we have either avoided the reality of our
          responsibility or done something too excessively.
              By practicing the open-minded search for
          reality, the acceptance of appropriate responsibility
          and the accompanying discomfort, and moderation, we
          can reduce many problems and deal most effectively
          with those which are inescapable.
          
          Questions we can ask ourselves:
          
          1.  How earnestly do I try to find what is really
              true? When I discover something that may be true, 
              but makes me uncomfortable, do I still try to 
              be open to it? When do I refrain from expressing 
              my positive aspects?
          
          2.  Do I usually accept the responsibility for
              improving my situation, and then do what I need 
              to do, even though it may be difficult? When do 
              I blame my situation on others, on luck, or on 
              my background, and then furnish myself with an 
              excuse for not changing my situation?
          
          3.  Do I usually deal with my problems promptly
              when the time is relatively favorable? When
              do I postpone dealing with problems in an 
              effort to avoid the associated discomfort? 
              When could I deal with a problem more 
              effectively by choosing a more appropriate time?
          
          4.  What problems in my life have been the result of
              some kind of excess in some area? How much time 
              and energy do I spend on relatively insignificant
              issues vs. truly important ones?  What new 
              responses (tapes) could I create to take the
              place of my excessiveness?
          
          
          Suggestions for further reading;
          
              "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway"
                  by Susan Jeffers
                    
              "When Smart People Fail"
                  by Carole Hyatt & Linda Gottleib
               
              "Even in Summer the Ice Doesn't Melt: Constructive
              Living Through Morita and Maikan Therapies"
                  by David K. Reynolds
                    
              "Do It! Let's Get Off Our Buts"
                  by John-Roger and Peter McWilliams