"Man is disturbed not so much by things, but 
               by the view he takes of them."
                                               Epictetus
          
          
              "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome 
               evil with good."
                                               Romans 12:21
          
          
                                  8.
                           SEEING THE DANCE
          
              The previous chapter reinforced the idea that to
          sail the most efficient course, we need charts and
          bearings which correctly reflect the world--and in
          living our ability to succeed is based on how
          accurately our beliefs and perceptions correspond to
          reality. In our open-minded search for this reality
          much can be learned from the ancient teachings of the
          East.
              Most people have a tendency to view the things
          in their world, and often themselves, in terms of
          conflicting opposites; something is either good or
          evil, right or wrong, with little room for other
          considerations. The origins of this tendency can be
          traced to the conditioning created by their culture,
          in which a large majority of people will share a
          certain group of selective perceptions. These shared
          perceptions result in a collective way of seeing
          themselves and the world, which establishes the
          group's overall sense of good and bad, right and
          wrong. Usually these opposing qualities are also
          viewed by the group as being in conflict. People new
          to the group, especially children, pick up this sense
          of conflicting opposites, and this perception is
          carried from one generation to the next. However,
          viewing things primarily in the narrow terms of
          conflicting opposites can interfere with
          understanding and appreciating everything in our
          world.
          
          NECESSARY CONTRAST
              At the core of Hinduism, Buddhism, and Taoism,
          and in certain facets of Christianity, opposites are
          viewed much differently. From this perspective
          contrasting sides and forces are not regarded as
          being in a battle in which one side should try to
          completely subdue or eliminate the other. In their
          underlying view of feminine and masculine, pleasure
          and pain, positive and negative, good and evil, each
          side is acknowledged as an opposite, but each is also
          considered to be an essential part of the whole; one
          can't exist without the other. Therefore every
          opposing side has value, because for one to exist, so
          must its opposite.
              Instead of focusing on a struggle between
          opposing sides, this view reflects the value of
          approaching each side with a consideration for all of
          its qualities. Every side has at least some aspect
          that can be used to help foster harmony. By
          recognizing the value in each opposite, we can better
          use each one to create a healthy balance for
          ourselves and the planet.
              As the strengths of the opposing sides are
          recognized, their weaknesses and limitations are also
          accepted. Therefore, one side isn't pressured into
          doing or becoming something that conflicts with its
          inherent nature. If we try to use something in a way
          that is contrary to its natural limitations, it is
          more likely to create conflict. Such an understanding
          promotes the balancing of opposites, instead of an
          ongoing, destructive struggle that often results in
          an overall weakening of both sides.
              The influence of this more balanced approach to
          opposites also extends into the classic paintings of
          the Far East, in which space is as valued as
          form--for it is realized that without space, form is
          not possible. Such Oriental art often acknowledges
          the important role of opposites by using a large
          portion of open space to contrast with and heighten
          the awareness of the painted forms. This empty, open
          area isn't viewed as a waste of space, but as an
          essential part of the whole picture.
              Likewise, in personal relationships the value of
          a space between two people needs to be recognized.
          When two people are apart for a period of time, the
          result can be increased strength in each person, as
          well as increased meaning in being together.  The
          Eastern sages understood that too much togetherness
          in a relationship could upset the balance and result
          in disharmony.
              This ancient Eastern view relates even to the
          core of our existence, for it recognizes that good
          and evil, like positive and negative, are necessary
          twins that help form the whole existence. To destroy
          evil and have nothing except good remain would also
          destroy any balance between the two: the lack of
          balance would then create another evil. In addition,
          when a battle is waged to destroy evil, the struggle
          for destruction easily becomes a negative that adds
          another evil to the situation. Because of the
          interdependence of the two, evil can't be truly
          eliminated without also destroying what was good.
              Rather than viewing the opposites as forces
          struggling against each other, this ancient
          perspective views opposites as just differing forces
          in a cosmic dance that forms a larger picture, with
          each force being necessary for the dance to continue
          and the picture to exist.
              The interdependent relationship of good and
          evil, and how efforts to destroy evil also reduces
          what was good, is probably the reason Jesus
          instructed his followers to "Resist not he who is
          evil." (Matthew 5:39) This verse can be very
          puzzling, especially for those who can only think of
          dealing with evil by fighting it. But understanding
          the dance of the opposites is important for realizing
          the best approach to evil; instead of resisting or
          fighting it, we can confront evil better by creating
          something good to take its place. Animosity and
          hatred are not reduced by adding more of the same,
          but by the power of active love. A negative in our
          lives is better offset by adding something positive
          which can replace it, rather than by simply trying to
          destroy that negative.
          
          THE INNER DANCE
              This ancient view also acknowledges that in each
          of us there is a capacity for both positive and
          negative, good and evil.  Accordingly, to condemn
          people just because they have differences that are
          perceived as "bad" or inadequate is to disregard the
          capacity they still have for good. Doing so also
          diminishes the quality of hope that is needed for
          improving communities.
              Perhaps even more significant, by rejecting
          others because of their supposed faults, we inhibit
          ourselves from dealing with our own dark side. When
          we reject others due to perceived faults, we are also
          more likely to reject ourselves if we discover faults
          in ourselves. Therefore, to avoid such
          self-rejection, we may then try to deny our own
          faults, and consequently become blind to what we need
          to improve.
              In this view, a person who condemns others adds
          to the overall amount of negative while contaminating
          his or her own self. Furthermore, people who are
          overly concerned with the negative sooner or later
          reap the consequences of their negative thoughts.
          Sometimes these consequences might not be readily
          apparent to our limited range of vision; nonetheless,
          they still eventually occur in some form.
              In Hinduism and Buddhism this reaping of
          consequences is expressed in the principal of cause
          and effect, which affirms that everything is a result
          of some cause (or causes) and everything we do has
          some effect. The same principle was asserted by the
          Apostle Paul when he wrote "As a man sows, so shall
          he also reap," (Galatians 6:7) which leads us to the
          premise that how we think and act is the primary
          determining factor in how our life turns out.
          Accordingly, the outcome of our lives is intimately
          connected to all the thoughts and actions that we
          produce, whether or not we accept responsibility for
          them. But as we accept such responsibility, we will
          more effectively control our course.
              Put another way, what we get out of life is a
          result of what we nurture every day in our lives. If
          we focus on cultivating constructive and beneficial
          thoughts, we will reap more results that correlate
          with these thoughts. Likewise, if we focus on
          pessimistic or detrimental thoughts, we will reap
          results that correlate with such thoughts. Because
          our thoughts have an overwhelming influence on our
          feelings and actions, it is vitally important to
          increase our awareness of what we are thinking.
              "As A Man Thinketh," written by James Allen in
          the 19th century, is a most convincing book about the
          significance of the thoughts we select. Unfortunately
          it's simplistic in its complete omission of some
          uncontrollable elements (such as hereditary factors
          and unforeseeable, freak accidents), and it is
          conspicuously sexist. But the most significant
          problem with this book is that it doesn't discuss how
          to change what we think.
              This problem was addressed by Albert Ellis and
          Robert Harper when they wrote "A New Guide to 
          Rational Living," which has its roots in the maxim 
          that's at the beginning of this chapter: "Man is 
          disturbed not so much by things, but by the view he 
          takes of them." Ellis and Harper's book was the 
          forerunner for other self-help books on the cognitive
          approach to personal change--and I encourage everyone 
          interested in improving their lives to read it. In 
          addition, this approach can also be used in 
          conjunction with the TA concept of the Adult ego 
          state in creating new tapes.
          
          APPRECIATING THE DANCE
              But can seeing "the big picture" of the cosmic
          dance of interrelated opposites help us in our
          practical daily living?  Actually, this is one of our
          greatest opportunities to grow.  Meditation,
          contemplative prayer, and enlightening books can be
          quite helpful in grasping this larger picture, yet
          for most people (including myself) finding time for
          these activities is usually difficult. Throughout our
          lives, though, we have the opportunity to use the
          power Jesus referred to when he said "The truth shall
          make you free." (John 8:32)
              As in many other kinds of learning, our ability
          to use this opportunity evolves gradually, and
          sometimes we will stumble in our development or maybe
          even fall back. Yet these problems don't mean we are
          unworthy or not OK--they are a normal part of
          learning that happens to everyone. And when we do
          stumble, it is important to still treat ourselves
          with respect and compassion; berating oneself only
          interferes with making positive changes.
              In the same context that Socrates proposed
          self-examination as being fundamental to gaining
          truly important knowledge, questioning ourselves
          about unrecognized aspects of opposing sides in our
          lives is important to realizing the truth and freedom
          that underlies "the big picture." Just as we can be
          sure that every coin has two sides, in every
          situation there is at least one opposing side--and
          through becoming aware of this other aspect we will
          grow.          Then as we become more adept at seeing opposing
          sides, we can continue the process by becoming more
          aware of the different facets that each side has.
          Most situations, which usually are more complex than
          the two sides of a coin, have several different
          facets that create a variety of sides. But the
          fundamental approach to expanding our understanding
          begins by looking for another side to a situation.
              Opportunities for this growth are plentiful;
          they can be with a partner or friends, with our jobs
          or hobbies, or even with our cars, homes, and
          physical bodies. We may get a fortunate break or
          suffer from a coincidental event; we can get married
          or divorced, or hired or fired; we may have
          continuing good health or develop a chronic illness;
          a car or home may remain adequate for us or we may
          long for a new car or home; a hobby may bring us
          unexpected success or cause us many problems. In each
          instance the usual tendency is to view the situation
          in just one way, which also conforms to our existing
          ideas. By doing so we exclude from our consideration
          the opposing aspects of the situation--the other side
          of the coin--that don't fit our preconceived ideas. 
          But ignoring other points of view causes us to see a
          narrower and less balanced picture that leaves out
          the contrasting benefits or drawbacks that exist with
          any situation.
              Most of us view good health as purely a
          positive, but people who have always been in good
          health often take it for granted; because of this
          they may neglect their health. The same effect can
          happen in relationships; people who have enjoyed the
          positive of a good marriage or friendship can become
          careless in what makes for a continuing good
          relationship. This effect also occurs frequently in
          people's work; if things are going well they may
          relax in their performance, and if things go bad,
          they will probably pay more attention and maybe even
          work harder.
              In each positive situation we can ask ourselves
          what possible drawbacks could there be, what unseen
          negative aspect are we not taking into consideration?
          By becoming more aware of the drawbacks to things we
          previously had perceived as only being positive, when
          those drawbacks surface they won't be so unexpected.
          In addition, there will usually be some drawback that
          we could deal with more effectively if we were more
          aware of it.  Every situation has at least two sides,
          and being blind to an opposing side prevents us from
          dealing with it.
              In a similar fashion, with every negative
          situation we can ask what possible good might be
          hidden in it, what benefit might we be able to
          realize from it? Through this kind of questioning we
          can gain insight and enhance our lives. Divorce, loss
          of a job, and physical illness all can be bewildering
          and painful, yet each can also be the start of
          tremendous growth. In every negative situation there
          is another side--some beneficial aspect that, when
          realized, can make the situation more positive as
          well as turn it into a learning experience that
          enriches us.
              Some people may reject this attitude of
          "searching for the silver lining in every cloud" and
          "making lemonade when life hands us lemons." But the
          denial of this larger picture only reinforces the
          overly negative, narrow picture on which these people
          choose to base their lives. They habitually focus on
          the negative, and therefore live less happily. To the
          extent that we do not recognize and value the larger
          picture encompassing opposing sides, we are robbing
          ourselves of the richness of a more complete and
          harmonious life.
          
          A PARABLE 
              How the dance of the opposites can appear in
          life is illustrated well by a Taoist parable. In this
          story a farmer's horse runs away, and his neighbors
          come over to sympathize with him over his loss and
          bad luck. His response is "We will see." The next day
          his horse comes back and brings with it six wild
          horses. The neighbors come over again and this time
          speak of what good fortune has fallen onto the
          farmer. The farmer's response is "We will see." The
          following day the farmer's son starts to train the
          horses for riding, but is thrown and breaks his leg.
          Once again the neighbors come over and offer their
          sympathy for the farmer's bad luck. And once again
          his reply is "We will see." The next day army
          officers come by looking for young recruits to take
          off to war, but because of the son's broken leg, they
          don't take him. Finally the neighbors come over to
          exclaim how well everything has turned out. The
          farmer's reply again is, "We will see."
              Although the supposed negatives and positives in
          this parable are physically tangible, they compare as
          well to the less concrete mental and spiritual
          aspects of living. It's wise to be aware that in
          every situation there will be eventual problems; then
          when difficulties occur they won't be so unexpected. 
          Furthermore, attempting to foresee these problems
          will help us to deal with them and alter their
          outcome. And by realizing that in each negative
          situation there is hidden potential benefits, we are
          more likely to learn from such situations and use
          them to our best advantage.
          
          EASY DOES IT, AND MAKING IT EASIER
              In becoming aware of the negative side of
          positive situations, a problem can easily develop:
          the negative can seem to overshadow the positive.
          Maintaining a balance in our awareness takes
          practice; moderation needs to be used, because
          focusing too much on the negative will obscure the
          positive and make us pessimistic and our own worst
          enemy. We can help ourselves reduce this problem by
          being aware of when we're feeling negative--if we
          are, then we can check to see if we're concentrating
          our thoughts too much on the negative while not
          sufficiently appreciating the positive.
              Sometimes, though, it's difficult to see the
          opposing aspect of a situation or that we may be
          focusing too much on one side.  Changing our thinking
          to be more open to other sides and differing ideas
          will help us achieve a great deal of insight. 
          However, our growth can be significantly enhanced by
          sharing our questions with a compassionate,
          knowledgeable person who can be objective. He or she
          will usually be able to see a perspective to our
          situation that we were unable to see. Seeking such
          outside assistance is an excellent way to gain
          insight and speed our growth. Rather than a weakness,
          it is an acknowledgment of our desire to grow.
              We can also help ourselves develop by sharing in
          a community of people who are on an active course of
          growth. Although we need to be able to identify with
          their course, it doesn't need to be the same as ours.
          Actually, being involved with people who are too
          similar to us can limit our growth; if their outlook
          is narrow and restricted in the same way ours is, we
          will be cut off from new ways of thinking that might
          help us. In choosing a group to associate with,
          striving to find one that leads us to expand our
          understanding and use our capabilities can be a great
          challenge, but it also can be tremendously rewarding.
          
          LIFE TELLS US TO LEARN
              Understanding the value of opposites helps to
          reveal the opportunities for learning important
          lessons. When we feel sadness, frustration, or
          anguish--when our lives aren't in harmony--life is
          telling us that we are doing something wrong. 
          Sometimes it may seem as though we have to be
          repeatedly hit in the head before we learn what life
          is trying to teach us. Yet it doesn't have to be that
          way; we can create the conditions that foster
          happiness by learning the lessons which accompany our
          unhappiness.
              A basic lesson of history is that those who do
          not learn from it are doomed to repeat it. We can use
          that same principle to learn from our unhappy
          situations: by examining the history of how we
          contribute to our unhappiness, we can discover what
          we need to change in order to be happier. Sometimes
          the same type of situation can happen over and over
          to us. Though we may wonder why it keeps happening,
          if we don't examine what we're specifically doing
          that promotes it, the situation is likely to recur.
          Once we learn how we help to create our unhappiness,
          we can more effectively alter our lives.
              Such learning can be aided by answering two
          crucial questions: "What thoughts and actions of mine
          lead to being unhappy?" and "On what erroneous
          beliefs are these thoughts and actions based?"
              We can narrow our search for the answers by
          focusing on how we selectively perceive to form
          beliefs containing overgeneralized conclusions,
          personalizations, and psychic readings. Clues to
          these are thoughts containing words such as never,
          always, I must or I have to, or other absolute types
          of statements. Other clues are ways of thinking that
          unrealistically seem to know what another person's
          thoughts are or that someone is doing something with
          a specific intention against us; and negative,
          self-defeating prophesies about our future.
              To gain useful answers to these questions
          requires courage and a real desire to improve our
          lives, coupled with sufficient time and effort in
          pursuing them. But perhaps the biggest problem in
          answering these questions is the inherent difficulty
          for us, as solitary individuals, to be objective
          enough and to have the scope of vision needed to come
          up with answers that are really beneficial. A
          knowledgeable person who can be objective will
          usually be able to help us a great deal when we are
          wrestling with such questions.
          
          NEEDS VS. PREFERENCES 
              Still more can be learned from an unhappy
          situation by extending these questions to examine how
          our expectations may be interfering with our
          happiness. Upon examination our expectations can be
          found to be either needs or preferences. Definite
          basic needs of all people are food, water, shelter,
          freedom from immediate harm, and some positive
          interaction with others. But an expectation also
          turns into a need if we can't be happy when it goes
          unfulfilled.
              Even though they aren't really essential to
          being happy, expecting such things as a nicer car, a
          bigger house, a better job, or a new mate often
          change into being needs. Smaller expectations can
          also become needs, like wanting our partner to do
          some minor thing a certain way, desiring some new
          gadget or adult toy, wanting the weather to meet our
          wishes, or thinking that a person should act how we
          believe is proper. All these expectations become
          needs if we are unhappy when they go unmet.
              Such expectations may not in themselves be bad,
          and sometimes they can lead us to achieve goals. But
          when our happiness is dependent on having unessential
          expectations fulfilled, they then turn into
          dependencies which can interfere with being happy.
          The situation is similar to that of drug addiction,
          in which people can't be happy unless their
          self-created needs are satisfied.
              A particularly detrimental expectation that many
          times becomes a need is when someone expects the
          entire, unwavering love of another person. Because
          this is impossible for even a mature partner to
          fulfill, it frequently creates strife and alienation.
              In contrast to a need is a preference: something
          we would like to happen or have, but different from a
          need in that if it doesn't come about, we can still
          be happy. Rather than controlling our happiness, a
          preference just directs our choices.
          
          TRANSFORMING NEEDS
              The key to managing our expectations is
          realizing when they unnecessarily turn into needs and
          then interfere with being happy. We can help
          transform our unessential needs into preferences by
          asking ourselves, "Does this event have to occur in
          order for me to be happy, or can I just prefer it and
          still be happy without it?"
              Often we erroneously think that something must
          conform to our expectations or we can't be happy;
          then our thinking contributes to being unhappy. But
          by answering the above question we can learn what our
          real needs are and alter those expectations that have
          needlessly reduced our happiness. In doing this we
          assume more responsibility for our happiness and
          reduce our dependence on external events things.
              Most people routinely do something that offers a
          remarkable opportunity to practice the transformation
          of unessential needs into preferences. Using this
          opportunity will also help us later to make such
          transformations in other areas of our lives. "Zen
          Driving," by K. & T. Berger, is a book that deals
          with how driving can be used as a form of meditation
          in which we apply this transformation process.
              Whenever we are driving and another driver acts
          in a way that doesn't meet our approval, we may
          become negative or even angry; such feelings often
          intrude upon our happiness while clouding our ability
          to appreciate the positive that currently exists.
          When this happens we can ask ourselves, "Does that
          person need to meet my expectations in order for me
          to be happy?" When we decide that the answer is "No,"
          we turn an expectation into being just a preference,
          rather than a need. As a result of this question and
          subsequent decision, we decrease the power of others
          to control our happiness. At the same time we
          increase our ability to see and appreciate the larger
          world dancing around us.
              This form of contemplation can be expanded to
          other areas of our lives. Whenever we are unhappy in
          our work, play, or loving we can ask ourselves, "Am I
          unhappy because someone isn't meeting my
          expectations, and does that person have to meet them
          for me to be happy?" Whenever we decide that we can
          be happy without our expectations being met, a need
          is transformed into a preference--and therefore we
          decrease our unhealthy dependency on others, take
          greater control of our lives, and increase our
          ability to appreciate the whole realm of life.
              In dancing with each other the opposing forces
          form the universe. If we open our minds to see this
          dance, we can appreciate how it benefits us all.
          
          
          Questions we can ask ourselves:
          
          1.  When do I see only my side to matters and then
              feel that the world is poorly balanced and too
              unfair? How can I strive to see more than one 
              side to matters and gain a greater understanding
              and appreciation for them?
          
          2.  When something negative occurs in my life, do I
              try to find what possible good might come of 
              it and then build upon that? Or do I dwell on
              the negative and continue to feel angry or 
              sorry for myself, while not trying to do 
              something positive?
          
          3.  When something positive occurs in my life, am 
              I open to the possible drawbacks and do I try 
              to prepare for them? Or when something negative 
              arises from a matter I thought was positive, 
              do I usually have considerable difficulty 
              dealing with it because it was so unexpected?
          
          4.  What beliefs, thoughts, and actions can I find
              in my history of recurring, unhappy situations 
              that causes such situations to recur? Do I 
              sometimes ignore what I might have done to 
              contribute to my situation? What can I do to 
              help myself learn from my history and change 
              how I think and act?
          
          5.  In what situations is my unhappiness based on
              expectations I think have to be met in order 
              for me to be happy? How can I transform some 
              of my expectations from being needs into 
              being preferences?
          
          
          Suggestions for further reading;
          
              "The Magic of Conflict"
                    by Thomas Crum
                
              "A New Guide to Rational Living"
                    by Albert Ellis and Robert Harper
                
              "Learned Optimism"
                    by Martin Seligman  
          
              "The Two Hands of God: The Myths of Polarity"
                    by Alan Watts
          
              "The Tao of Physics: Exploring The Parallels
               Between Modern Physics and Eastern Mysticism"
                    by Fritjof Capra