"The thing psychologists can count on the
most is that people talk to themselves,
and that the things people say to themselves
is the dominating factor that determines the
things they do and the outcome of their life."
I. E. Farber
"To get the most out of your Life, plant in
your mind seeds of constructive power that
will yield fruitful results. Acquire the
habit of substituting positive ideas for
negative ones, and gradually your life will
become more and more successful."
Grenville Kleiser
9.
REALIZING OUR POTENTIAL
Each of us has a great potential for
experiencing love and happiness on the voyage called
life, yet every person follows a course unique to him
or her. To summarize the preceding concepts that we
each can apply in our own distinctive way to help
achieve this potential:
1. QUESTIONING ONESELF: A fundamental way of
learning is through questioning, and frequently the
most relevant questions are those about ourselves.
The greatest benefit in honest self-examination
occurs when it leads us to alter our beliefs,
perceptions, and patterns of thinking to more
accurately reflect reality. Furthermore, in learning
about ourselves the occasional assistance of an
objective, knowledgeable person can help us achieve a
more direct course of growth.
2. DEVELOPING INNER HAPPINESS: Recognizing the
different types of happiness can lead us to focus
inward and develop the qualities that promote a
deeper happiness. Along with increasing our
appreciation of life, doing so will also enhance our
contribution to the world, thereby creating more
personal fulfillment.
3. INTERNAL BARRIERS: Understanding how our inner
barriers occur will help us overcome them. By
identifying our acquired patterns of thinking,
feeling, and behaving, and how we perceive
selectively, we are more able to change our unsound
decisions and beliefs. Then by creating new decisions
and beliefs from more sound information, we enable
ourselves to alter our actions and feelings that were
based on erroneous thinking. In addition,
understanding the universal nature of these inner
barriers will help us realize that in our basic
problems and needs we are closely related to the rest
of humankind and inherently worthy even though we're
not perfect.
4. APPLYING REAL LOVE: Freeing ourselves from the
illusions of love widely promoted in society will
enable us to develop our ability to love actively, as
well as reduce our suffering caused by those
illusions. The foundation for real love is
self-knowledge that promotes respect and caring for
ourselves, which then helps us to better understand,
respect, and care for others. The highest opportunity
to practice this love is when we are free of the
emotions usually associated with it. And we can
evaluate our love by examining how we exclude people
from it and why, and by examining the effect it has
now and in the future--does it ultimately produce
more love?
5. DEALING WITH CHANGE & CHOICE: Through accepting
these two situations as overall conditions of life we
can approach them as more positive forces, instead of
facing each new change and choice as a completely
unexpected dilemma. This broader acceptance will
increase our ability to make decisions and
adjustments that produce better outcomes. Also, the
grief we experienced in the process of reaching this
larger acceptance reduces the amount of grieving in
our many daily changes and choices. But to fully
accept this overall condition, we have to grieve over
losing our illusions of stability and our illusions
of not having choices. The way to facilitate this
grief process is to not resist it: to acknowledge and
experience the feelings. Then we need to put
something constructive in place of our loss of these
illusions.
6. EGO STATES & LIFE SCRIPTS: Recognizing our
Child, Adult, and Parent ego states will help us to
produce a healthy balance that cultivates happiness,
and it will enable us to create new, more appropriate
internal tapes to substitute for old, unhelpful ones.
By identifying our life scripts and the roles we have
acquired, we gain the ability to evaluate and rewrite
them when they are outdated or counter-productive.
7. DEVELOPING BASIC PRACTICES: We need to
persistently apply practices basic to optimal living:
searching with an open-mind for reality in order to
form a more accurate foundation for our lives and to
check if our course is taking us where we want;
taking more control of our lives by accepting
appropriate responsibility and necessary
discomfort--which means giving up the misleading
comfort of rejecting responsibility, and deciding
what is really needed and doing it despite our
misgivings about the discomfort involved; using
moderation to reduce the unfavorable effects of
excessively depleting our material and intangible
resources, and to maintain the benefits of life's
many facets.
8. VALUING OPPOSITES: Expanding our awareness of
the interrelated dance of opposites will enable us to
see and appreciate a larger picture of life. Every
situation has an opposing aspect we can benefit from;
we can learn from our unhappiness by looking for the
ways in which we contribute to it with our
self-defeating beliefs and expectations. Even in
positive situations we can help ourselves by trying
to be aware of potential problems. Yet we also need
to avoid letting our awareness of the negative
overshadow the positive aspects that exist. Then we
need to use our knowledge of "the big picture" to
update our beliefs and expectations to produce ways
of thinking that lead to greater fulfillment.
9. DETACHED PERSONAL OBSERVATION: By taking the
time to observe a tree, we enhance our knowledge of
it; by stepping back from the trees, we see the
forest better. Accordingly, by taking the time to
mentally step back and observe ourselves, as if we
were trying to objectively observe another person, we
expand our awareness. This increased awareness
spontaneously changes our immediate programming,
because it shifts our position from being just a
participant caught up in our thoughts, feelings, and
actions, to being more of an observer and director of
ourselves. We can enhance this process by using the
concepts of the ego states and life scripts as tools
for understanding ourselves better.
As success in sailing across an ocean is made
more certain by regularly applying the appropriate
knowledge and skills, so success in life is enhanced
when sound, rational information is coupled with
regular practice. Each part of the puzzle called life
can add to the other parts in creating a fulfilling
life, and disregarding any one part decreases the
probability of success. Though each of us travels a
unique path in discovering how to approach this
puzzle and take advantage of fundamental principles,
those who ignore any of these principles will suffer
accordingly in their attempts to improve either their
lives or the world.
GRADUAL BUT RELIABLE
Although trying to improve ourselves or the
world may be noble, it is important not to try too
much, too quickly. To attempt too much at once is not
only unrealistic, it's a formula for failure and
decreased self-confidence. Ancient wisdom and
contemporary psychological research point to the
optimal path for implementing self-improvement.
First, we need to decide which of our desired
changes are really important, and then choose one
that would make good use of our time and energy.
Making this choice is aided by estimating what change
would provide the most benefit for the amount of
effort required. The object of setting such
priorities is to avoid working on some modification
that would yield only a relatively small benefit
compared to the effort required, when other changes
might be more advantageous.
Another reason to prioritize the personal
changes we want to make is that the probability of
making such changes permanent is highest if we
concentrate on one at a time. Permanently altering a
way of thinking and acting is like overcoming a
habit. To really break free of the old habit pattern,
a new practice must become integrated into our living
to create a new pattern that replaces the old one.
Examining how people change has shown that this
integration, depending on how embedded the old
quality is in our lives, takes somewhere between
three and seven weeks of concentration on one
specific change.
Life is similar to learning the skill of
juggling. We don't learn to juggle by throwing
several balls into the air at once; we do it by
starting with just a couple of balls, and as we learn
the techniques and become proficient with the
existing balls we add one ball at a time. If we have
some problem that causes us to drop the balls, we
need to identify the specific problem and concentrate
on correcting it before increasing the difficulty by
adding more balls.
While establishing priorities is important, the
process is still based primarily on educated guesses.
We never know for sure how much effort something will
require or what the results will be. Due to this
uncertainty, the process of learning to live well is
a courageous act, and a crucial part in this process
is the courage to make errors and learn from them.
CREATING AN IMAGE
A powerful tool to use in changing ourselves is
one we ultimately create and apply on our own. By
creating an alternative mental image for ourselves
that is Personal, Positive, and Present Oriented, we
can deal with our negative side without diminishing
our positive side. These three characteristics can be
remembered as the three P's. In relation to the
concepts in TA, this new image can function as a new
tape to substitute for old, detrimental tapes.
Rather than being a true image in our minds
equal to when we see a photograph or movie, this
mental image is formed from a combination of thoughts
and inner visions. Anyone who can remember things is
capable of creating such images--all of us habitually
form mental images in the process of imagination. Two
problems, though, is that we frequently create mental
images without being aware of it, and they usually
are not personal, positive, and present oriented.
Because of this, our usual habitual mental images are
frequently a major source of self-defeating emotions
and behaviors. Consequently, for each of us to be
aware of the images we hold in our minds is an
important element of self-knowledge.
There are also differences in how people form
mental images. Some do it more by thinking in terms
of rational words about things from the past or in
the future; this style is language and concept
oriented. Others may do it as if they're thinking in
visual terms--as if they're visualizing a painting or
a scene from a movie; this is the "visualization"
usually attributed to mental imagery. For some people
sounds, smells, or the sense of touch is an important
component in their mental imagery.
Contemporary literature on this subject often
leans heavily towards visualization, but people
shouldn't feel inadequate if they think they're poor
at visualizing. Both styles of imagery are very
effective in triggering emotions and behaviors, and
the style we currently use everyday is already a
powerful influence in our lives. Actually, people
most likely use a mixture of the two styles.
"Visualizers" don't see a mental image solely with
their mind as if they were using their eyes, and
their mental images probably are accompanied by at
least some thoughts in the form of words. And those
who are language and concept oriented will usually
have occasional flashes of visual images go through
their minds along with their thoughts.
Yet whether we mainly see an idea in terms of
words and rational concepts, or visualize it as some
kind of scene, we are using our imagination to form a
powerful mental image. What is most important is that
we take advantage of the style in which we are
already proficient.
PERSONAL
Having our new mental image be personal means
that it is "I" and "I am" oriented, rather than
"he/she" or "they" oriented. If this image is in
terms of other people instead of ourselves, we will
tend to hold others responsible for making changes
rather than make the necessary changes ourselves.
When we depend on others to make changes so we can be
happy, we give away the control for our lives to
others who are largely beyond our control. In doing
so we produce an enormous barrier for ourselves.
Making this alternative image oriented to what
we can do differently gives us more control of our
lives by relying more on ourselves and less on
others. To better realize how hard it is to get other
people to change, we can think of how difficult it is
for others to change us. By depending on ourselves
for making changes, we take responsibility for that
which we have the most chance of altering.
POSITIVE
The positive aspect of this new image affirms
the good about ourselves and our goals, and it's
something we want to put in place of a negative. This
image should exclude any negative, because to include
something negative is to give it greater power. To
mentally hold the image of not doing or not being
something negative is to still retain that negative
aspect in our minds, and the negative will be
stronger than the injunction against it. If I have in
my mind the idea of not eating dessert, my mind sees
the dessert more than it does the "not." If I think
of not being fat, of not eating lots of food, of not
smoking, or of not being angry, the mind will mostly
envision being fat, eating lots of food, smoking, or
anger--the undesirable negative overrides the
injunction against it. Trying to not think of
something is like trying to go to sleep: the harder a
person tries, the harder it is to go to sleep. Trying
to not think of an elephant, is to think first of an
elephant.
We can, however, put something positive in place
of a negative. To set ourselves up for success, each
unhelpful negative in the mind can be replaced by
some form of mental imagery that is constructive and
affirmative. Instead of keeping negatives in our
focus, we can envision ourselves as our positive
ideal: the trim and healthy person we want to be;
enjoying a healthy, balanced diet; appreciating clean
air in our lungs as it energizes the body; being calm
and peaceful; doing some specific positive activity
that replaces a negative. This completely positive
substitution is hard to do, especially at first,
because we are used to having so many
counter-productive negatives in our minds.
PRESENT ORIENTED
This quality sets our new image in the current
moment, not in some future context with "I will" or
"I want" statements. The most important image in our
minds is that of how we see ourselves in the present.
The further we set our alternative image in the
future, the more likely we are to continue our
present course as it is, because the changes we need
to make will be oriented to some time and place
further up the road, rather than where we are now.
Making this alternative image oriented to the present
gives us a more immediate target to aim for and
creates a potent source of motivation. By setting it
in the here and now, we are putting this image where
it does the most good, rather than in some far- off,
future time.
We can help our alternative image be oriented to
the present by imagining ourselves already achieving
a goal or performing an activity. If we want to
achieve a specific career, a healthier lifestyle, or
some special ability, we can form in our minds the
image of doing it successfully right now. When we
want to be trim and healthy or calm and peaceful, we
can imagine ourselves being this way at the current
moment. In addition, we can increase the
effectiveness of the image by adding special details
to make it more specific, and by imagining the good
feeling that goes along with the image.
Using the three P's is a more direct way of
improving ourselves now. Examples of ignoring these
three attributes are seen when people use such
phrases as "If only . . .", "Yeah, but . . .", and "I
wish . . .". The likelihood of real, positive change
is usually small when one of these phrases is
used--the situation usually becomes stagnant, with
some dim hope that in the future things will somehow
change for the better.
Once we have created a personal, positive, and
present oriented new image to take the place of
something negative, whenever the negative trait
emerges we can calmly focus on this alternative image
in order to override the negative. If the alternative
image is disturbed by the tendency for the old
negative trait to recur, it's important not to fight
the negative, but to just recognize it and again
substitute the new image. This process also needs to
be done without self-condemnation; belittling
ourselves just interferes with the process of
positive substitution.
The power of our alternative image can also be
greatly enhanced through deliberate, mental rehearsal
that is done in a calm, focused manner. There are
several forms this can take: meditation,
self-hypnosis, visualization, or just in a quiet
setting simply concentrating on mentally rehearsing
this image.
Recent scientific evidence suggests that such
mental rehearsal actually helps to create the
neurological pathways for performing the physical
behavior in the image we rehearse. This principle is
being used more and more, and with considerable
success, to help the performance of athletes in a
variety of sports. We also can use it, not only in
sports, but in other aspects of our lives. By
practicing something in our imagination, we enhance
our ability to do it in the physical world.
MENTAL REHEARSAL MEDITATION
By using a simple process you can combine
focusing, calming of the mind, and mental rehearsal
to change the way you react to situations and help
you achieve your goals. The process is simple and
requires only a little time.
Sit in a quiet place, and although this is not a
necessity, assume a comfortable meditative position,
such as with your back straight and your legs crossed
or in the kneeling position, or lying on your back
with the arms slightly out to the side and the palms
turned upwards. Such a position will help you to
focus and the traditional nature of this position
reinforces the significance of what you are doing.
However, the lotus yoga position is unnecessary; it
may make a person seem more advanced in their
meditation, but actually it means nothing more than
that they can sit in this position. What is important
is that your meditation position is comfortable and
helps you to focus.
A small, low stool or a large pillow may help
you sit with your legs crossed, or you may want to
try a specially designed kneeling stool that makes
the kneeling position much more tolerable for us
Westerners. (I sell such stools handcrafted in custom
sizes at an affordable price; E-mail or write to me
for information)
Then when you're comfortable, close your eyes
and beginning from the abdomen first, take three
slow, deep breaths, letting the air flow slowly in
and out without straining. This relaxes your body and
calms your mind, helping you to concentrate. Then
begin to imagine yourself having already achieved
your goal. Imagine some small details of this goal
to make it more real and powerful in your mind. Also
imagine the good feelings that go along with the
achievement of your goal. Keep this image in your
mind for as long as you comfortably can, focusing on
the details of having attained your goal and the good
feelings associated with it. About two or three
minutes is probably long enough, and more than five
is unnecessary.
A variation of this process is imagining doing
what you need to do to achieve your goal. Do it in
the same fashion, but focus on what you actually need
to do to attain your goal. Imagine some details of
what is involved, and then think of the positive
feelings associated with working towards your goal.
Although this may take a little longer, more than
five to ten minutes is not necessary. After becoming
more proficient with these to processes, they easily
can be combined.
Another variation is trickier because although it
emphasizes positive actions, it involves rehearsing
a situation that previously has led to negative results.
In this type of mental rehearsal, imagine a situation
in which you have ate, or continued to eat, even
though you weren't actually hungry. Examples are
being at work or home where extra food is often
around, passing by a vending machine or snack shop
that is a temptation, or having a meal someplace where
there is likely to be more food than you really need.
But rather than focus on the negative aspect of the
situation, concentrate on mentally rehearsing the plan
of action you have chosen to use in overcoming the
temptation or problem. Such rehearsals can also be
quite helpful in learning new ways of reacting to
problems in relationships with other people.
This meditative type of mental rehearsal is very
powerful in changing how we mentally and physically
operate on an ordinary, day to day basis, but it also
works especially well if you use it before an
occasion that you think might cause you problems in
achieving your goal.
While doing such mental rehearsal, distracting,
extraneous thoughts will come across your mind. This
is normal and you shouldn't struggle against them;
otherwise your struggle will set up tension and cause
extraneous thoughts to gain power. The best way to
deal with distracting thoughts is to just refocus on
the subject of your meditation, and without making
judgements about how well you are doing.
Contrary to what some people may think, the mind
can hold only one thought at a time. Try thinking of
a battleship and a giraffe at the same time -- you
may quickly alternate back and forth, but only with
one at a time. It's very difficult to overcome a
problem by reminding yourself of it, yet you can help
yourself overcome it by replacing a negative thought
or image with a positive one. And the more you
rehearse doing this in your mind in a meditative
setting, the easier it will become in the day-to day
world.
One very big problem in doing such mental
rehearsal meditations is starting out without any
experience of having done them before. What usually
happens is most people end up simply not doing them.
Using a guided meditation or self-hypnosis tape that
goes through this style of relaxation and imaging can
be a big help. After becoming familiar with this
process by using a tape, people often go on to using
the process without the tape and for other
situations.
The use of our alternative image in mental
rehearsal can be further reinforced by linking it
with a physical signal or cue. With hypnosis such a
cue is often called an "anchor," but it's also very
effective without practicing hypnosis. A cue may be
in the form of some special little gesture, such as a
smile or relaxed expression, or a certain body
position or movement. One of the most ancient and
effective cues is taking slow, deep breaths.
After we have chosen a cue and mentally linked
it as the symbolic gesture for our alternative image
and its associated behavior, we can help bring that
image and the related behavior back into our lives by
giving ourselves the cue. This technique can be
especially helpful in situations that in the past
have caused us to respond in old, undesirable ways,
and by mentally rehearsing how we might use a cue in
such situations we can make it more potent.
SIMPLIFIED IMAGERY
A simplified form of mental imagery, and perhaps
more potent because of its simplicity, can be
performed by creating just an alternative thought,
using the three P's, to take the place of an
undesired thought or way of thinking. Whenever we
find ourselves thinking the undesired way, we can
then substitute our new Personal, Positive, and
Present Oriented thought.
This may sound easy, but our minds are
habitually flowing with a stream of thoughts. Often
we have little awareness of these thoughts, and
frequently they are pessimistic and
counter-productive. Consequently these habitual
thoughts are an important underlying cause of our
unhappiness.
As discussed in the last chapter, because of the
law of cause and effect we reap the consequences of
the thoughts that habitually occupy our minds. By
generating sound, constructive thoughts, we create
the conditions for attaining a fulfilling happiness.
Accordingly, becoming more aware of what we are
routinely thinking, and of the thoughts that underlie
our behavior, is crucial. Whenever our thoughts
contain flawed generalizations and absolutes (and
most of them are flawed), or words that counter our
Personal, Positive, and Present Oriented image, this
is a clue that our thinking may be contaminated by
patterns of unsound beliefs and decisions from our
past.
Even in the process of becoming aware of what we
are mentally saying to ourselves, we automatically
begin altering our thoughts. Then by substituting
better thoughts in place of detrimental ones, we can
create the life we really want.
CONSCIOUS REPETITION
As also mentioned earlier, a specific personal
change takes approximately three to seven weeks to
become lasting. This amount of time is needed in
order for the change to become ingrained in us so
it's stronger than the old tendency. An important
part to this success, though, is the frequency and
consistency of the substitution process--the more
often it is repeated in a uniform way, the more
success is likely. While the need for repetition may
seem obvious, many people seem to forget this concept
when attempting to make changes in themselves.
The advertising industry is based largely on the
concept of repetition--and not just because it seems
like a good idea--but because it's very effective. In
the same fashion, what we keep repeating to ourselves
in our minds is a primary determinant for what we end
up having, spiritually as well as materially.
Fortunately, unlike hereditary factors, we can make
choices in what thoughts we think, and thus we have
tremendous control over our lives.
Although working on just one change for three to
seven weeks may seem slow, it produces the greatest
chance of success. We didn't just suddenly become as
we are; it took our whole lifetime. To think that we
can quickly make several lasting, significant changes
in ourselves is to set ourselves up for
disappointment. In contrast is the excuse, "That's
just who I am." But just as it has taken our whole
lifetime to learn to become who we are now, we can
learn to gradually recreate ourselves to be
different. By choosing our priorities wisely and
concentrating on one at time, over a year we can
change our lives dramatically. The process requires
patience and commitment coupled with significant
effort, yet it is the ultimate form of caring for
both ourselves and the world.
DELIBERATE PATIENCE
In chapter seven it was expressed that the
process of experimenting with a series of small steps
is the way we become real people. Indeed, when a
sudden transformation seems to take place in a
person, what probably has occurred is an abrupt
switch from one extreme to the opposite side of the
spectrum, with all the person's habitual programming
and inner problems left unresolved. The process of
inner growth is like climbing a steep mountain one
step at a time, slowly getting higher and higher,
occasionally stopping for a while or even going back
down some, but then continuing up.
Sometimes people will say that they don't have
the ability to do some particular thing, but often
the reason they can't do it is simple: they don't
take the time needed to learn to do it. There are
some things at which we may never excel. For example,
we may not have the aptitude for basketball, particle
physics, or flying jet fighters. Yet if something is
important to us, we can significantly improve our
ability to do it by spending the time and energy
needed to learn it.
Sometimes, during our leisure time as well as
while working, we may have difficulty and experience
frustration in doing some activity. When this happens
we can help ourselves significantly by deliberately
slowing down and performing the activity in a more
conscious, patient manner. Slowing down and taking
the time to do something is also a way to show how
much we care.
PUTTING IT ON PAPER
Another way of aiding our growth is writing
about the problems and progress we experience on our
journey. This writing doesn't have to follow a
specific form. It can be in a diary or journal, or
just notes written at random and collected in a
binder. We can create poetry or simply write small
pieces about our thoughts, feelings, and discoveries.
Writing down our new, alternative thoughts and
images in the personal, positive, and present tense
orientation can also be very beneficial. By doing so
we make these alternatives more concrete and turn
them into powerful, personal affirmations.
Though more formal, when we want to achieve a
specific goal we can help ourselves succeed by
recording: 1. the desired change, 2. the reason for
it, 3. what is needed, 4. the steps to be taken, and
5. what negative consequences there might be. In
doing this we make the goal and its accompanying
benefits, drawbacks, and requirements clearer and
more tangible.
In writing down information related to our
problems and what we learn about living, we not only
save it for easy referral, but we also reinforce and
clarify what we have learned. What is most important
is not the style we choose to write in, but that we
choose to write and make it pertinent to our lives.
For those interested in keeping an actual
journal, an excellent guide for enriching the
experience is the book "One To One:
Self-Understanding Through Journal Writing," by
Christina Baldwin.
THE SUPREME CHOICE
"There is no meaning to life except
the meaning a person gives his life
by the unfolding of his powers."
Erich Fromm.
One fundamental question may be more sweeping
than everything else presented here: What is the
overall purpose and meaning that I have chosen for my
life? Some people may protest that they don't have an
overall purpose; they are only partly right. In
reality their lives do have a chosen purpose, whether
they know it or not--their purpose is represented by
the choices they have made and continue to make--but
their purpose is most likely confused and diluted.
At the end of chapter two I wrote of Victor
Frankl, the psychiatrist who was a prisoner in one of
Hitler's concentration camps. Though he survived, his
parents, wife, and brother died in those brutal,
horror filled camps. Yet as a result of that terrible
experience, he concluded that we all define ourselves
by what purpose we choose for our lives, and that the
drive to create meaning for ourselves is a primary
struggle for us all. Frankl called this drive "The
Will To Meaning" (1963, 1970). Though the purpose we
embrace may not define our lives nobly, we still
struggle to find meaning in our existence.
Frankl also found that the tragic aspects of
life have an intrinsic value, and that they can lead
to greater achievement and higher meaning. In
examining the lives of those who have made great
contributions to the world, we can usually find a
significant adversity or tragedy that was a turning
point for finding a higher purpose.
The life of John Muir, father of the
environmental movement, was dramatically changed when
he was blinded in one eye while working in a big
city. Mohandas Gandhi changed his life, and
consequently the lives of countless many others, as a
result of the severe racial discrimination he had
seen and experienced. The life of Alfred Adler, the
psychiatrist who has perhaps had the greatest
positive influence on psychotherapy than anyone, was
tremendously affected when he was a sickly child and
witnessed the death of his younger brother, and then
overheard that he also wasn't likely to live long.
Later his father was advised by the boy's
school-teacher that the boy might be good as a
shoemaker, but probably not much else.
By confronting and working to overcome the
problems they encountered, these and many others have
created a higher meaning for their lives and helped
the world become a better place. Upon close
examination we can see that their problems were
actually important factors in their extraordinary
accomplishments. Our problems can likewise become
fertile ground for creating greater meaning in our
lives. But the challenge is how are we going to
respond to problems--with choices which promote
solutions that lead to fulfillment, or by denying our
choices and avoiding what we need to do?
Whether we know it or not, we all forge some
kind of meaning for ourselves. An important question
for each of us is: Does what I have chosen for my
life give it the meaning that I really desire? Some
of us are aware of the meaning we have created in our
lives, while others live as if they are blind to such
meaning. Those who unconsciously relinquish their
choices in creating meaning for their lives often
become perplexed and dispirited, and wonder why life
is so empty with so little direction. Thus, wisely
choosing how we create meaning for our lives is
fundamental to achieving a lasting fulfillment.
From his grim experiences Frankl also learned
that we can lose everything we have, but we are
always left with "the last of human freedoms--to
choose one's attitude in any given set of
circumstances." (1963) As long as we still have the
capacity to think, we have the ability to make
choices in the thoughts we think, and thus the power
to affect the course of our feelings and actions.
To choose not to select our thoughts, or our
course, is to let the world shape us and determine
our reason for being. In doing so we give away much
of our power.
The principle of choosing our meaning and our
attitude, and how it can enhance our lives is well
presented in Frankl's book, "Man's Search For
Meaning." I highly recommend it to all who want to
improve their approach to living.
SELECTING OUR COMPANY
Several times in this book I have mentioned how
finding a suitable person, or group, can be a
valuable asset in our quest for self-knowledge and a
fulfilling happiness. Yet as adults each of us
inevitably chooses, to a great extent, in one way or
another, the people with whom we surround ourselves.
An important consideration in choosing whose company
we share is whether or not they are pursuing a life
of positive growth and meaning, and encouraging
others to do so.
The lives of many people have been wasted or
ruined by not wisely choosing who they spend time
with. Rather than making a conscious decision, their
choice of company is shaped by avoiding such
decisions. Consequently the people that they spend
the most time around, ultimately the most significant
people currently in their lives, is determined mostly
by coincidence and chance. Often the result is a
gradual waste of life filled with regret, and many
times this is accompanied by poverty, both material
and spiritual. Sometimes it leads to crime and the
phenomenal waste of imprisonment while their victims
also continue to suffer.
Yet in regard to the people who we choose not to
spend time with, we need to avoid an attitude of
superiority. Otherwise we will inhibit our ability to
love, and consequently our happiness.
Though it needs to be done with moderation and
consideration for the well-being of others,
consciously choosing whose company we spend our lives
with is basic to improving our lives. And make no
mistake about it; we do actually "spend our lives"
through the choices we make. To make the most of
ourselves requires more than just not running around
with the wrong crowd--it requires that we consciously
evaluate how those we associate with affect us and
then choose more on that basis.
EFFORT VS. STRUGGLE
Echoing Hawthorne's quote about happiness, a
deeper, more lasting fulfillment is best achieved as
an indirect result of creating greater love and
worthwhile meaning. Although this is a lifelong
endeavor which is well worth the necessary effort, if
we try too hard it will elude us. Too much effort
creates struggle, which actually gives strength to
what we are trying to avoid: the more we think of
dieting, the more food becomes a central part of our
lives; as we try harder to possess another person's
love, the more likely that person will love us less.
In overcoming our undesirable patterns and
forming a more significant purpose for ourselves,
it's better to apply the refined, repetitive
substitution of positives rather than try to overcome
negatives by sheer force. We can also make this
easier to do in real life by rehearsing this process
of substitution in our imagination.
Such mental rehearsal is really the basis for
Maxwell Maltz's "PsychoCybernetics," and for much of
the power in hypnosis, guided imagery, and active
meditation. By using a healthy, balanced effort
combined with constructive thoughts and images--and
rehearsing them in our minds in a calm and focused
manner--we can best use our power to improve
ourselves.
The quest for love and fulfillment requires a
commitment to life which encompasses so much that
eventually we will need to accept all of life as it
is, including the inevitable challenges along with
the limitations and imperfections in ourselves and
others. With this overall acceptance also comes the
greatest harmony and ability to appreciate life.
Each of us has the power to develop the great
potential that exists inside us, and the challenge of
creating meaning in our lives is the finest
opportunity to transform this potential into reality.
Although the process requires an understanding of
fundamental principles and practices, it's still a
unique process for each person. And it requires great
courage, patience, and energy. But the rewards for
living in such a courageous and committed manner far
outweigh the requirements.
"We all know problems. But how we meet them
makes the difference. One man gives up.
Another perseveres . . . and, armed with the
knowledge born of trying, finds the way to
succeed. What do you see down a rocky path?
Stumbling blocks or stepping-stones? It's the
point of view that counts."
Paul Mann
"Birth is not one act; it is a process. The aim
of life is to be fully born, though its tragedy
is that most of us die before we are thus born.
To live is to be born every minute. Death occurs
when birth stops."
Erich Fromm
"You're either busy being born, or busy dy'in."
Bob Dylan
"That which we are, we are, and if we are ever
to be any better, now is the time to begin."
Alfred Lord Tennyson
"Teachers open the door . . . You enter
by yourself."
Chinese Proverb
Suggestions for further reading:
"Talking To Yourself: Learning the Language of
Self-Affirmation"
by Pamela E. Butler
"Honoring The Self: the Psychology of Confidence
and Respect"
by Nathanial Brandon
"The New People Making"
by Virginia Satir
"The Healing Power of Doing Good: The Health and
Spiritual Benefits of Doing Good"
by Allen Luks
Copyright 2001 by Keith L. Kendrick
E-mail: awaken@teleport.com
URL:http://www.inner-growth.com
http://home.teleport.com/~awaken/lifebook.htm