Success? Introduction
By Odell Sneeden Hathaway, III.
Success? IntroductionCopywrite ©, 2008 By Odell Sneeden Hathaway, III Since the death of my wife I have been feeling like a failure at least compared to the successful people I grew up with. But I can not define what it would mean to be a success. When I was in Analysis I was asked on several occasions. What I wanted to see when I was laying on my death bed and looked back at my life. I was never able to give an answer to this question and I still do not know the answer. So I am writing this to try and figure it out. The 1st and most important part of my life being a success would have to be ending this life and never having to return to life again. I do not know if there is reincarnation, but I hope not. I had enough of this life before I was 8 years old, by then my life had already been so painful that I started trying to kill my self so I could end my suffering. The idea that I might have to return and live another life is terrifying to me. I am only 46 years old but I am so tired deep in side. Each day is a struggle and has been for as long as I can remember. My hope for the after life would have to be resurrection or nothing at all. Resurrection, Me as I was when I died with my memories and personality coming back to life at some point in the future when suffering has become a thing of the past. I feel so sorry for the two women who have loved me. Because I think they both knew that I loved them but there was nothing anyone could do to make me think that life was something worth while. I do not want this to sound like I live a life full of sadness and gloom. But I could not tell them that they made up for the pain of my past. Dostoyevsky is by far my favorite writer and my favorite character of his is Ivan Karamazov (from The Bothers Karamazov). Oh I love Prince Myshkin (from The Idiot) he is an Ideal for me something to strive for. But Ivan’s voice cry’s from inside of me. Ivan in his own search for what justice means tells the story of the little boy who’s master had killed because the boy hurt one of his dogs by accident. The master had the dogs kill the little boy. Ivan wants to know how there can be justice for that 8 year old little boy and comes to the conclusion that there can not be not even after death. I see so clearly that there can be no justice for the 8 year old little boy thrown to the dogs or for me as an 8 year old little boy told I was brain damaged, or for me when I was 9 years old and raped. In fact I reject the concept of justice all together. There is no way that my unexpiated tears to ‘dear, kind God!’ Begging him to simply let me die night after night can be just. Nothing that happens to the boys who raped me will ever give back what I lost or make me whole. I am not saying that I have not moved on with my life and put that in my past but like the chains of Jacob Marley they will always way me down. I wonder about the cost of this life and if it can possibly be worth it to live once let alone over and over. I know it can not be worth it for me! It is possible that my suffering is worth while for someone else and I truly hope so. I have tried on many occasions to Kill my self and turn in my ticket to this life and found I was not able too but I want to make certain I do not get back on the ride again. God can keep his ticket! I do not go as far as Ivan I am more then willing to admit that I am simply a human, I was not there like Job when the world was made. So perhaps I am wrong and the suffering is worth something in the end. I hope so. As I say I do not know if there is reincarnation or not and I hope not. I have seen too much in this life (things that people should not see). But the image that has been troubling me the most of late is the image of my beautiful wife out of her mind deep in a Psychotic break. To see her that fractured and broken not even able to form words, with her hands around my throat trying to escape from the psychiatric ward I had committed her to. (Yes that really happened). I know that each of us possesses a part of the divine in us, but I am having a real problem at the moment with the idea the be all and end all of existence is to reconnect with the divine only to be spit out again. I do not want to think of God in the midst of a Psychotic break her self. Fracturing just the way my wife fractured. Broken into pieces until she comes together just long enough to know that she is still alone and breaks apart again. I would much rather believe that Gods loneliness and isolation (after all she is the only God) has caused her to try and find a way to end her misery. Not by suicide but by giving up a piece of her self to become a partner. That we are all a part of the rib that god is using to create her own partner. I hope that is the reason for existence and that suffering can lead to healing. Not of man but of God. That does not mean that I do not find a lot of value in the works of Eknath Easwarn or Hinduism I would like to think that I take it a step further and ask the question OK once were back then what? I know the lessons they teach are very important and help us to grow. But whether it is back to God or grows up to be a new God. I can not answer any more then a cell in my body can understand what I am doing. Perhaps we are all just cells in a new infant God and are suffering is of no more importance then the pain every being feels while growing up. What have been my Desires / Dreams?All of this is interesting theology, but does not really bring me closer to the answers that this paper is supposed to address. The reason for that is of course that while I can and will continue to do my best on my spiritual path. When I am lying in bed dieing looking back will show me my old life. It is only after I have exited that I will be able to look at the chains I have made like Marley and see what is coming next. I think it might be helpful if I looked at this question from a more analytical point of view. Looking at what my desires and dreams for my life have been and trying to see what they can teach me about what they can be in the future. The dreams I can remember are being an Astronaut, being a Vulcan, The Girl I first loved, Photo Journalist, Pilot, Priest, Programmer, and Writer. Success? Dream Being an Astronaut! |
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